Day Twenty-Three

Good Morning...

Well--another week of snow and you would think I would be excited to sit at home and work, but everything in me wants to run and be around people and not be isolated. I earned very little money last week and so I have to get over myself and get back to work.

After I did the blog last night I was thinking about the first time I realized I wanted to be a writer. I was in elementary school. My teacher's name was Barbara Hartle. I always wanted to be like her so I became a teacher. We were in class one day and Mrs. Hartle was reading to us aloud for an hour before lunch like she did every day. I don't remember the story and I don’t know why that day it all clicked in for me, but what I do remember is staring out the window and being able to see and feel everything she was reading. It amazed me that my mind could connect to the writer of the story and I could see what they saw and feel what they felt. It was then that I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to touch other people. I wanted to connect to other people. I wanted to be in the minds and hearts of other people. And I haven't stopped wanting that.

As much as I am alone because of the work I do I was still alone when I was teaching and working in other professions. Alone is a state of mind not a physical act of being. I can be so self-absorbed in a crowded room that I can't hear anything, but my own thoughts. I can be so filled with guilt, insecurity and fear during a conversation that I don’t hear what is being said. Being and feeling alone is a choice. Having my head filled with self is a choice. It is not a knee reaction type of choice; it is an “I must make my mind up to not do it” type of choice.

Every feeling I have is a choice. I choose to feel hurt, I choose to feel guilty, I choose to be afraid, I choose the people I surround myself with and that choice influences how I choose to feel.

My first magazine article query that was accepted I blew because I thought that in order to write as prolifically as Hemingway or Fitzgerald (Fitzgerald being my idol) I needed a glass of whiskey in my hand. I idealized the writers who could drink excessively and still produce writing that afforded them a living. The idea was accepted, but I wasn’t able to write it with a drink in my hand.

This was a defining moment in my life. A missed opportunity that changed the course of my life—I was 24 years old. I still have the hand written invitation from the editor to continue to develop my ideas into a publishable article. Rarely does a writer get a hand written letter from an editor. I’m crying as I write this because I know what a missed opportunity that was. My chest is tight and my fingers have gone numb thinking about the naïve thought that a drink would make me better than. From there the rest is history.

So if this blog is about the solution what do I do to make amends to myself and relive that defining moment. I can’t redo it, decades have passed and life moves forward not backwards. I don’t think you can relive a moment like that because that would be like a redo and I just said that life moves forward not backwards. What I can do to be in the solution today is to develop another idea, write another query and send it out to editors and see if I can do it right this time.
It’s not that I haven’t had other things published, but it’s that I have never had anything of that caliber published.

When I couldn’t write the article with a drink in my hand I needed the drink in my hand because I couldn’t write the article.

And so my friends that is the story of how at 47 years old I am trying to start my life over. No one has kicked me harder than I’ve kicked myself for the poor choices I have made. The solution today is being around people that don’t help me kick myself. I no longer need to be called names and told everything that is wrong with me even though that is very, very comfortable because I know how to hurt and to feel like a failure.

I am choosing to be around people who point me in the right direction and push me to move forward when I don’t believe I have anything to worthy to say. I choose to be around people who tell me about the good they see in me and can keep telling me until I see it in myself. By not being around people who are self-absorbed I become less self-absorbed. There are those of you who know you help me and those of you who know you hurt me. To both types of people in my life…..thank you….you both have given me something to write about today.

Time to go make a living….have a good day everyone….

Day Twenty-Two

Why didn't I write this morning? Why did I wait until tonight knowing I would be numb by then? Why can't I get back to the place where I was all enthused and filled with hope? Because it didn’t come from within it came from the outside.
A wise man told me a couple of weeks ago that I have to fit life in between my writing times and not fit my writing times in between my life. I have always known this is the discipline it takes to be a successful writer. I just have been too distracted in relationships with friends, family and partners to be successful. Our life and their life have always been more important. I don’t value what I have to say because I don’t know what I have to say. I even struggle with this in earning a living writing forget the creative writing. I never understood why I couldn’t have both—still don’t understand why I can’t have both.
It amazes me how empty my head and heart can become at times. That’s all I have for tonight. I wrote this blog and today I have to be satisfied with that. Every day I keep this blog going is a successful day. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have said something worth publishing. Good night….

Day Twenty-One

Good Morning!! Out of the house until 11:30ish and then it is time to settle in on earning a living for the rest of the day.

William Blake wrote "A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent."

And so it is that after searching for hours last night for two pieces of paper that I considered the cornerstones of this "book" I went to bed feeling alone, like I had failed once again. But as sleep almost always does it changed how I looked at not finding what I wanted of the past. Why do I want to go back and visit the past and write about something that will keep me thinking of the problem instead of writing about how living in the solutions is the only way to live?

The title of this blog is really what I want to write about. I want to write about what it is like to have a passion and a desire to write and not be organized in your soul enough to do it. Writing is an expression of your soul; you either are a writer or you are not. There is no grey. Either you have something to say or you do not. We’ll see if I have something to say in the days, weeks and months ahead.

So that is what I am going to do. I have no wisdom about stuff and other people that pertains to anything other than what my life is like on a daily bases. I can only write about me and my struggle to write a book--that is the only struggle I can find a solution for maybe or maybe not. I won't know until I try.

The William Blake quote was attached to this little bit of writing:

"The quality of our relationships with others depends heavily on our motives. If we're trying to change our friends, to correct their behaviors or to improve their lives, we'll ensure a poor quality of friendship. The only life we have power over is our own. Trying to fix other people isn't only futile, it’s disrespectful. Chronic fixers are likely to attract people who seem to cry out for their services. Over time, the situation usually proves to be a set-up for frustration and anger. Self-respect begins inside ourselves. Real consideration for others demands that we treat them with the same respect we'd like to receive. There is no such thing as my telling someone something "for their own good."

In order to attract a different type of person I have to become a different type of person. I can only become the opposite of what isn't working for me by doing the opposite of what I always do.

This blog began because someone else inspired me, but it must continue because I inspire myself. People will always disappoint me and let me down; people are imperfectly human. What is important is what I do with the disappointment. I can do what I have always done or I can try something different.

Trying something different has been making my life more and more uncomfortable, but at the same time my life is getting better. So this blog is turning into the book I was meant to write which is how I have come to write in spite of all the painful distractions I put before my writing. Can it be that simple? It was for Anne Lamott when she wrote Bird by Bird.

I say that I am a person who lives a life of why not me instead of why me. The level of my success is hinged on me walking my talk. That my writing friends is the difference between being the problem and being in the solution.

Being a part of the solution requires doing the opposite of what is in my nature to do--fail before I even start. I know how to fail, but I haven't figured out yet how to succeed. I thought I had a teacher and a muse, but the answer has to come from the teacher and muse who reside within me.......

Enjoy your day fellow writers……be prolific….spring is around the corner and with it brings new life……let’s go write…………….

Day Twenty

"Don't no good come outta bad/Can't get much bad outta real good/Hold onto your good, your essence, until you find the people and situations that match it.

-------Marita Golden, An Do Remember Me

This night time writing isn't working for me--tomorow is a new day--I am going to go back to the original plan--write in the morning--but this time I am not going to add the to-do list--I'm numb by night time which translates into I have no feelings to write about, not voices to get rid of.....I have nothing to say...............

Day Nineteen

"The purpose of living is to learn how to iron out the rough spots in our living." That's all I have to say and it isn't even mine to say. Somewhere in there has to be gratitude or the rough spots will become overwhelming which is why for a little while I will be quoting more than writing my own thoughts....I am overwhelmed....I don't want to write something I am going to regret later. I haven't been able to write all week...this too shall pass............good night!   

Day Eighteen

"I will try to keep my life calm and unruffled. This is my great task, to find peace and acquire serenity. I must not harbor disturbing thoughts. No matter what fears, worries and resentments I may have, I must try to think of constructive things, until calmness comes. Only when I am calm can I act as a channel for God's spirit. I pray that I may build up instead of tearing down. I pray that I may be constructive and not destructive."
At a meeting this morning the speaker said that today I strive to not hurt those I love and that is the right way to live and it requires action. When I shared I added that yes we can strive to not hurt those we love, but first on the list I have to love myself and not hurt me.

Today I know I have choices. I don't have to hurt anyone so I can be understood because it isn't important that I be understood. What's important is that I try to understand others. I made a choice tonight to be constructive and not destructive. I made an unnatural choice and I'm going to bed knowing tomorrow is going to be different. Good night...

Day Seventeen

Writing this blog at night isn't working. My mind is numb by the time my work is complete. Yes I have had a calm day and I got pretty much everything I wanted to get done, done but I have nothing to say. I ended today with getting all the percentages I needed to do my payroll there is nothing creative or thought provoking left in me by midnight at night.

Tomorrow I will take a break in the afternoon and do this blog then after I have had a few good writing hours and I have settled myself in to doing just the tasks at hand. If what you are doing isn't working then do something different. Life is that simple...it seems to becoming my mantra as of late.

I got out of bed to write this nothingness because I didn't want to skip a day because if I skip one day I will skip two and so the story of my life goes.

Night everyone...hope you wrote your hearts out.......

Day Sixteen

Good Evening--I do feel less pressure writing in the evening, but I don't feel like feeling by the end of the day so we will see how this goes for a while.

It was pointed out that the blogs are all days and have no title. The reason for this is so that I can actually see that I am writing something everyday. I don't know about any other writers, but this writer writes one day in a row and then life takes over and she doesn't go back to write for months or even years. So the blogs will stay numbered until I have established a habit of writing on a daily bases.

It was also pointed out that I am hiding my feelings behind my talk of God. I don't write this blog for anyone specific or for any other purpose than to clear my head so that I can get to the business of writing my book. All the fear and struggling with my relationship with God has prevented me from ever writing for more than a day or two consistently. Since this blog I have written every day. If what you aren't doing isn't working then try something else so I have and so far it is working. If you don't like what I write then don't read it. This concept is very simple.

I post my thoughts on FB and Twitter to get myself over the fear of people knowing what I am thinking and feeling. If a writer is ever going to write then they can't be afraid to say what they mean.

I write this blog to work through spiritual issues. My book is about healing to break out of the fear that consumes a person being abused and even after the abuse ends. If I don't work through the condescending and “just do it” attitudes I have then I won't be able to reach a vast audience.

I am learning with this blog. It is trial and error. It is an action that I can do that is tangible. It is different than anything I have ever done.

I have yawned all day from lack of sleep--it is time to go to bed--I will bring a printed copy of "the book" to bed with me--and see where I need to restart.

Day Fifteen

Yesterday I wrote about how to explain the principles of free will and today in one of my meditation books Paul Tillich, a Protestant theologian, was quoted saying “Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free.” I have thought about the quote non-stop and have tried to connect it to the principles I wrote of yesterday explaining free will.

Wanting and experience are the basic principles of free will. The ability to want is connected to our ability to make choices. The ability to make choices is an expression of our free will. The choices we make are based on the experiences we have had. Each experience we have conditions us to make repetitive choices. The more we are conditioned the more predictable our choices. The expression “you can’t teach and old dog new tricks” is based in this principle of theology.

The freedom to risk according to Tillich is rooted in man’s courage. Courage comes through motivators. For some people motivators are fear, anger, guilt, loneliness. For other people motivators are joy, happiness, love, passion. Our experiences influence the motivators we use to make decision or choices. These motivators influence our use of the God given gift of free will.

Free will has a positive and a negative pull. When our experiences condition us to respond freely to positive motivators then we embrace the risk of making decisions based on our positive experience. Such positive experiences have conditioned us to feel the freedom making decisions brings to our lives. This is a positive pull. When we experience conditions us to respond to negative motivators we shun from taking the risk of making decisions because we have been condition in such a way that we don’t know or have forgotten what freedom feels like. This is a negative pull. The consequence is always too high and the risk of making the wrong choice to great. This is called flinching. We flinch because we have been conditioned to always expect the worst; expecting the worst wallows in fear.

As I have worked and wandered around the apartment when I couldn’t sleep last night I thought about how I know more people that have been conditioned negatively rather than positively. Look around at the people in your life. How easy it is to tell them all the intangible positive parts of themselves you see and then think about how their negative experiences stop them from seeing the intangibles you see in them. Imagine what the world would be like if we all only had positive experiences in our life. How would anything change in life? How would we grow and evolve as people without both negative and positive experiences. What determines the worth of a person’s life is not their experiences, but how they handled, worked through and moved beyond their experiences.

The premise of my book is to help people look beyond the negative motivators that have dictated their life. To trust in something that won’t disappoint (a God of their understanding) and to shift the way they see themselves so they can reach a position of trusting that inner voice; that inner voice that wars inside those of us with negative experiences.

The voice to trust comes from within because that is where God lives in all of us. God is an intangible that we must understand individually and come to trust collectively. Faith and trust in God is an action of being a part of; fear and unworthiness are actions of isolation separating us from our fellows and God The voice may be buried so deep within that we haven’t heard it in a very long time, but it is there within all of us; trusting that inner voice is an action of believing that teachers present themselves in our lives when we are ready.

The first choice we make utilizing our new understanding of free will is to accept the teacher when they appear. How many times have our negative motivators pushed teachers out of our lives because we didn’t want to step up and act with courage. Acting with courage requires moving out of our comfort zone. Negative motivators are comfortable we wear them like a pall. They protect us from having to make the decision to risk. What is it that we risk? We risk having a negative experience again. But if we follow the inner voice teachers who can give only positive experiences surround us. Negative experiences come from not following our inner voice; we follow our head and our feelings of fear, unworthiness and guilt.  

The risk in utilizing free will is that the consequence of making decisions is unknown until we take the risk. Taking the risk always comes back to courage and courage requires faith and faith is based in trust. Trusting that no matter what you will be ok, you can handle the consequence of the decision whatever the consequence is. In each one of us there is a sense that we call our gut. The gut is the predictor of our willingness to accept the consequences for our decisions.

When we act in accordance to what our gut tells us instead of letting our mind and our feelings of fear, unworthiness and guilt guide us we are acting courageously. We make the right decisions and we are willing to live the consequences whatever they may be. The consequence loses it power because in accepting the risk we live true to the God given gift of free will. No other creature in the universe has free will…only man. How we use this gift of Grace defines the outcome of our lives.

At what point in our lives do our experiences begin to shape our choices, limit our willingness to take risks and cover us in that pall of self-doubt, lack of confidence and belief that we aren’t good enough? At some point in life the ability to pick ourselves back up and brush ourselves off and to continue to move forward becomes too difficult or so we think and feel. In this split second that most of the time goes unrecognized faith is lost and we give lip service to the principles of faith, but our actions of how we are living do not match our words. We become incapable of walking the talk or so we think because we have lost the courage to have faith and hope .

When we are in a state of hopelessness, fear, guilt and all the other negative motivators we push the world away. We isolate in the negative that has become comfortable and we begin to believe that we aren’t strong enough anymore to take risks. Risks equal decisions. We begin to believe we don’t have the ability to make decisions anymore.

What we are believing about ourselves is that freedom given to us thorough the Grace of free will isn’t for us. Freedom may be for other people, but it is not for us. We separate ourselves in our minds from humanity and eventually we separate ourselves physically and emotionally from humanity as well. For me I work at home, that is all I do unless someone approaches me with another alternative. I am comfortable in my isolation. When I am alone I am comfortable not feeling good enough because I have no one to compare myself to. I wallow in my discomfort because it has become comfortable. It feels easier for me to isolate than to take the risk to be a part of. It becomes a chore for me to shower and leave my house.

In the world when I step out of my isolation I mingle amongst people and I want what they have: relationships, companionship, friendships, partnerships. All of these fellowship things are painful to see and not have and to believe I can’t have. It is easier to not leave the house, to not feel the reminder that my life experiences have conditioned me to respond to negative motivators rather than positive ones. I have lost faith, I am afraid to feel, I become convinced I have nothing to offer and I retreat into isolation because I believe I am my negative experiences. I have lost my way I have chosen to push humanity away which means I have turned my back on the voice that lives within me. I can worship only one God at a time. That is a limit placed on my free will. I cannot be filled with fear and faith at the same time…it is impossible.

Renewed faith begins in believing that when you are ready to create new experiences a teacher appears. You may not know you’re ready because the voice inside you is buried so deeply, but something greater than you knows you are ready and a teacher appears.

Faith is like fire. For any of you who have started a fire from striking flint you know that it takes more than one strike to create a spark to light a fire. A fire doesn’t start by willing or thinking it to start. A fire starts by striking two pieces of flint together creating a spark. The spark ignites a flame that burns as long as the fire is fed.  I can’t think myself anything. I have to act myself into something.

This is how we capture our faith. This is how we learn to trust again. This is how the reflection of our fire in someone else helps us create new positive experiences. This is how we use our free will for our betterment rather than our demise. We must feed ourselves with fellowship. We must fight our desire for isolation because as much as it feels like the easier way it is a difficult path. Isolation is making the choice to turn our back on hope, on faith and on humanity.

God made us to need companionship. God made us filled with desires and passions that only fellowship can satisfy. When we isolate we go against our nature, but if we isolate long enough isolation becomes our nature. This is a perverse use of our free will. In order to reverse what has become my nature I must do the opposite of what is comfortable. If I believe I am not good enough I must act as if I am until I believe it. If I believe I am financially unorganized and weak then I must become organized and strong financially. If I live in a state of guilt then I must act as if I live in a state of innocence which is without thoughts of unworthiness until I believe it. If I live in fear then I must live in faith trusting I will be ok no matter what happens to me until I believe it.

But this is all a process. It didn’t take just one experience to make me loose my faith and it want take just one experience to recapture my faith. The key is willingness to believe. In the last two months I have been willing to believe that a teacher has entered my life. With each experience of having the phone ring, a text come through, date to see each other, a look from across the room, a hand placed gently on my thigh or lips placed tenderly on mine I begin to gain trust because these experiences are positive. Eventually enough positive experiences will build up and overpower the bad experiences of a slap, a punch or a kick. I will stop flinching. I will stop feeling hopeless, afraid and unworthy. I will begin to trust what God, the muse and friends see in me is really who I am.  

This is my book the journey from the negative to the positive; the teacher has appeared so now I must write and cry away ever last negative motivator until there is nothing left, but the positive. This is not a process lived in isolation; it is a process lived in fellowship. I will regain my ability to make decisions because the risk Paul Tallich talks about is no longer overwhelming.

I will come to feel it is unnatural to isolate and have faith that no matter the consequences of my decisions I will be ok simply because my decisions are based on positive experiences instead of negative ones from the past.  I will not crumble because I have come to believe and trust that faith in fellowship is my natural state of being.

God doesn’t want me to live alone. I do have intangible qualities to offer others and I can bring my share to every relationship because what I bring is defined by the needs of the other person not defined by my fears and feelings of unworthiness. Eventually I will become free and return to the person I was always meant to be. Today I take the risk and make that decision to have the courage to live free……………..   

Day Fourteen

Good Morning!! Today is the first day that I really don't have anything to say. I am grateful that something clicked in me last night allowing me to remove myself from being the center of the universe and to help others and to think about others before I thought of myself. I lived my purpose and on top of that I allowed a friend to help me. I had a great evening.

No fear today I actually feel confident. Not going to question anything I am just going to go to work, be available and enjoy this confidence. I give too much power over how I am going to feel away to others that aren't even in my life today. I find it amazing how much people take and we give away of ourselves--of the intangible parts of us--I gave so much away in my last relationship that I lost all confidence of who I am. I stopped caring, I stopped living, the pain was so great from giving me away that caring about the normal things in life ceased.

I've lived that way for three years and it is time to stop. This is where God sends the teacher when the student is ready and so came the addition of some really good people as true friends and the muse. These last two months have been amazing to me. My life is changing for the better every single day. I know I have said it before, but my life is becoming what it was always meant to be and that is an incredible feeling. I just have to trust that I deserve it.

Today I have the feeling of confidence to let it happen, not question it, continue to do my part in it and to revel in the friendship and love that has come my way from some truly wonderful people. I need to say that the “it” is me...I have to let me just happen, enjoy the process and trust that I can handle what is happening because it happens over the course of time not all at once. If there was no process and life happened all at once I wouldn’t be able to enjoy I would be overwhelmed with lack of understanding.

I am good today and I just did my budget for the week and I have to tell you this mind better be focused and these fingers better type like crazy because this is a big expensive week :) But I can do it today and that feels good. So the plan for the day is to push myself to write until I can't see, to stay focused and to fill my How-to queue twice with articles and empty it twice. I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow!!

Off to write and earn a living--hope the QuickBooks CD comes today--I am excited to put in place all I need to be the corporation and employee I am--I wasn't so happy about that a few months ago--that's how quickly attitudes change.

Write!! Write!! Write!!! Have a good day.

Day Thirteen

Good morning!!!! Snow again...it is what it is...I have to remember I live in New England and every time it snows I am reminded of how powerless I really am...I can't will it to be 90 degrees and sunny any more than I can will others to behave, think and feel the way I want them to. I only have power over my actions, thoughts and feelings today. The day is going to be what I make it.

Mahatma Gandhi wrote "Don't listen to friends when the Friend inside you says 'Do this!'" I think that is how this blog started; I listened to the inner Friend. For just one instance I wasn’t afraid of what others would think or how they will react. I simply gave myself what I need; I listened to the Friend inside. I wasn't able to do it alone, but together with the muse I was able to do it. And that is the whole point of being a part of is that you don’t have to do anything alone again.

I spoke of the fear of having people read what I think, feel and write with the muse the other day and the answer to getting rid of that fear was so simple. She simply said that sharing was the whole point of writing. Why want to write if you don’t want to share? That's the whole point of my life I want to share myself with others. What's there to be afraid of since that is the point. How simple is that for a purpose. The whole point of writing is to share who I am.

I don't know about you, but I have made it this far in life in spite of myself. I never lived a life of Good Orderly Direction; in fact, I've done everything I know how to live a life of misdirection. The sad part is I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I didn't know and the hard part is forgiving me for what I didn't know. That is all twisted and illogical, but very real to me.

The time in my life has come to think things out. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. I am being restored to sanity. Some of you reading this today will recognize this language. I am learning how to think straight. I am building up a new way of looking at things. Over the course of my life I have sought an artificial life of excitement and all the adrenaline that goes with it. I craved it, ached for it; I created it when there was none to be had. I thought that was normal living. People who didn't live an artificial life were boring and I did everything I could think of to not be like them. What I have come to feel and know is that the artificial life is abnormal and living that way was a path I created not the path that was created for me.

I must re-educate my mind to be attracted to and to live a normal life. I must become honest with who I am and share the deepest fears within me with safe people who will love me even when I can't love myself. I must re-educate my mind to feel worthy, to rely on no human power for my confidence and I must replace guilt over not feeling good enough with positive thoughts of I am good enough, I do have something to offer and I can tend to my business today.

I have to re-educate my mind to believe that all the intangible qualities I have are what make me worthy. My worthiness has nothing to do with the size of my bank account, my credit score or anything else material. My value comes from how people react to my presence in their life. My value as a part of humanity is in how others respond to my gentleness, kindness, willingness to help, grow and change how I think so I can put action to the words ‘I love you.’

My value is in how I nurture and care for myself so that I am able to voluntarily participate in the lives of those I love. It is important to note that I said participate I didn't say run or control their lives. In order to be a part of I have to willingly volunteer to participate and I have to let other people make their own choices of whether they want to voluntarily participate in my life.

I believe this understanding and ability to sit back, volunteer and let others volunteer is what makes relationships with self and others so difficult. The best way to act like you love someone is to let them be themselves. I'm willing to learn how to do that today. I'm willing to learn that saying I love you 20 times isn't the same as loving someone enough to let them feel and do what they need to do for themselves.

The acting of loving is really to just sit back and let the other person be themselves. The act of loving is to sit back and be constant, be calm, be available, be honest about what you can do, what you can't do and what you don’t know how to do and then see what happens from there. I believe that is the act of loving. I believe that is how my God loves me and I have a responsibility as a part of humanity to learn how to love others the way God loves me.

So today I am quiet, I know what I have to do and so it is time to simply go do it. That is the whole point after all according to the muse. The point is to just do it......

Enjoy writing today....it’s the only day we've got!!!!! The greatest plan for my day is to have no plan at all. My day is simply going to unfold as I put love into action no matter how unnatural it feels…………..I’m out of my comfort zone, but I will be ok………………..

Day Twelve

Good Morning...I guess at some point I have to give this blog a better name than Day *!#^. Well that isn't today so let's just stay in today.

Accounting software supposed to come in the mail today along with the ink cartridges. Going to take my first paycheck this week…..huge deal for me….puts me in a different “I am worthy category” than I have been in. And that is the point of all this change in attitude, change in action and change in thinking....to be worthy within myself and equal within myself to be a worker amongst workers and a friend amongst friends and an equal partner in all my relationships.

All the years of acting as if I felt equal by pretending I was better than or worse than…..wow…..what a waste of time I could think all that experience was, but I have learned different. Every experience, every flinch (as a friend so kindly calls those moments when fear presents itself as sheer panic) and every time I fell down just to get up again is what in some sort of paradox I have to offer others. I am broken and willing to heal; therefore, I can be of service to help others heal who are broken.

Faith is like jumping off a cliff and believing you are going to sprout wings to fly....fear of jumping sends you to the floor of the canyon where you hit bottom, have to resurrect yourself and start the fight all over again just to end up at the same old place at the edge of the same old cliff. The muse and I talked about how we have always jumped with fear and guilt and always hit the floor of the canyon and had to start all over again not understanding what we did wrong or how to fix it. We agreed today to try something different....we decided to grow in our faith individually and together so that when we finally were ready to jump off the cliff we would grow wings and soar................I can't do this alone, I need God, I need the muse and I need others like me...I need to be a part of and to fight the desire to isolate with my feelings of unworthiness with every bit of willingness I can muster......... 

The muse just left and the time with her was humbling to say the least. I am quiet, nothing rattling or stirring inside me that isn’t positive and life affirming. We are on the same page, trying to trust in God and live according to God’s plan for us. It is time to try something different and we don’t have to do it alone…………..

Plan for the day: Ink cartridges came, 5 hours of CE and then How-Tos, print off the book and see how much I didn’t write…biggest part of the plan is to tend to my own business and let the muse tend to hers……………….

I know the day is half over, but it’s time to write anyway……so let’s do it…let’s get to writing…………………

Day Eleven

Good Morning!! As always yesterday wasn't as productive as I wanted it to be, but I did get what I needed done just not what I wanted. I'm still having trouble slowing my mind down so that I can earn my living quicker and then get on to my stuff. Don't think it is fear I just have a lot going on feeling and thought wise and my mind is racing. As long as I earn my living I have had a successful writing day.

I'm so impatient I want everything now and if it were possible I would want everything sooner than right now. I'm too funny. Life and this writer’s life is a process. A wise woman said to me last night you just keep putting one foot in front of the other living the way God wants you to live and your life will work out the way its suppose to. How true that is. Life is a process and anything I have ever gotten too quickly never lasted.

Another friend said that with the muse the walls of the house are being constructed and the foundation hasn't even been built yet. How true that is. I have to build my 50% of the foundation and that is a process that I am working on and that is all I can do today. I must stay focused on building my 50% of the foundation.

I feel calm in my chest today, but I can feel the voices awakening in my head that distract me from the task at hand. My goal is to quiet the voices so I can breeze through my work today and get to my own writing. The goal is to stay quiet and stay focused. Faith that all will work out is the only way to quiet my mind. I can’t live in a state of faith and fear at the same time. And yes the voices are always fear. I can say I don’t think they are, but the voices are riddled with insecurities. Insecurities are aligned with fear, fear is aligned with depression and depression paralyzes my body, mind and soul. When I am paralyzed I don’t write.

Plan for the day: same as yesterday How-tos and organize book and figure out how to find a friend's blog and link to it, I'm excited to not feel alone out here in cyberspace naked writing this blog every day.

All right….before the voices really get loud I am going to go earn my living. Let's go write and be grateful that this is my job today because as we all know I could be at Walmart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's go WRITE!!!!!!

Day Ten

Good morning!!! Woke up to snowing falling on the deck and the sound of snow blowers in the neighborhood a perfect day to stay home and be prolific.

I'm still on the edge teetering back and forth between fear and faith, but the faith is 1% stronger today and that is all that matters. The point of me writing that I'm teetering is to gain control of those feelings and give them up to God. That 1% is the difference between being paralyzed with fear and having the courage to write.

My job is action I must lay the ground work for my own success. How success comes is up to God. Notice there isn't a question that success will come; the only question is what form success will take. Will it be monetary or will it be increased peace and contentment within myself or will it be both. Either way I have a muse that focuses my thoughts, a God that quiets my mind and a gift that lets me express my feelings, emotions and thoughts so that I may become connected to others like me. In and of itself this is more success than I've had in this whole lifetime of mine.

If I keep doing my part, the action, on a daily bases life will continue to grow into something beyond my wildest dreams. I feel like I have awakened from a comma or have been transported back to Earth after being kidnapped by aliens and taken to their planet. The world is filled with possibilities and instead of knowing this and thinking that these possibilities are for other people, today I feel those possibilities exist for me. I am worthy of a good life; a life beyond my wildest dreams.

The feelings of being good enough are hinged completely on living the way God wants me to live and not how I want to live. And when I say God I am not referring to any religious God. My God is of my understanding, of my creation and a product of me learning how to love, accept, tolerate and forgive myself and others as I feel love, acceptance, tolerance and forgiveness from this God of my understanding.

Living in accordance to God is the foundation for my action. I must take responsibility for my own life. Nickelback sings “don’t take the free ride in your own life” how true that is. Even up to a few days ago I wanted to take the easier softer way and let my muse live my life for me. I have a responsibility to live my own life and to have faith that my life will unfold the way it is meant to. The strange thing is that I feel like my life is turning into what it was always meant to be. I am not so special or unique that I cannot be a part of humanity, but I am so rare that I have something to offer humanity that only I can give. How is that for a paradox?  

I must do the action; the action being living the way God wants me to live. So today I share through my writing how I think, how I feel and what I am doing so that others can relate to my experience and I become a part of humanity. Ahhhh humanity, the one thing I never wanted to be a part of, but now can’t get enough of. God does have a sense of humor!!!!

Plan for the day: writing, writing, writing, CE, and preparing to print out the chapters of my book (ink cartridges were sent out yesterday). The muse wants to read the book....what if she doesn’t like it?

I'm feeling strangely quiet today. I slept well, woke up rested and need to have a productive day. I have a few short term goals that require $$$ so I best get to work.

Have a good day everyone!!! It's time to live this writer's life......write, write, write......don’t let me write alone…..

Day Nine

Good Morning!!! Woke up without fear today. It’s been over a week sense I woke up without feelings of fear, but I am not ready to take that big sigh of relief yet. I feel like I am teetering my day could go either way: filled with fear of productivity. I am going to protect this day from fear with all I have.

Plan for the day: Post a couple CE things, How-tos, noon mtg., How-tos and then this evening work on organizing my book getting it ready to print when the ink cartridges come at the end of the week and yes finally figure out the Scribd.

Last week got away from me...I let fear take over and win. I can't do that this week. I have to do the right thing alone at times and with the assistance of others sometimes. Thank you to those who were by my side last week helping me to keep what sanity I had left and helping me recapture the person I lost within me.

I only have today...so here I go...I have to make the most out of this day because it may be my last......Let's go write!!!!

Day Eight

Good Evening!!! Well I guess I have to admit I have no routine on the weekends. I am flapping in the wind without direction, maintaining an act as if attitude that just doesn't work for me anymore. I am behind on the work that pays so this blog is going to be short. My plan for the day was to wear the CE hat--instead I dealt with fear and old resentments all day. I came home from lunch with "friends" and cried my eyes out, talked until I was emotionally ok, had a nap and then went to work. I think I’ve had enough emotion for one day. I am going to work until late evening and then call it a day. The beauty is that tomorrow is a fresh start. Tomorrow is a gift if I am blessed to wake up. Today is almost over with and that is all I have to remember is I just have to finish out today. I ordered the ink cartridges so I can print out the pages I call my "book" and until then I will earn my living and chip away at the fear within me. I must write before I go to bed and that knowledge led me to this blog tonight because if I skip one day I will skip two and then three and then I won't be writing or thinking of writing at all. Life on life's terms...hmmmmmm......I have a choice victim or hunter!!!!!!!!!!! Today I am the hunter because I wrote.

Day Seven

Good afternoon!! Out of my routine, out of sorts, trying to settle in to simply sitting still….how’s that for a lazy Saturday afternoon? Today I just need to focus on the mechanics of earning a living through writing. What I really want to do is climb onto the couch, let the cats get comfortable lying on me and for all three of us to fall to sleep and stay that way for hours. Unfortunately I can't do that. I've spent the last two days being basically unproductive and so today I have to earn a living whether I want to or not.

Plan for the day: 10 how-tos and as many hours as I can stay awake after that to do the CE inputting. First though is breakfast/lunch and I’m thinking a nap. I am tired--not sleeping this week I close my eyes and nothing happens.

Anyway the kitchen waits as does the couch--eventually though I will be writing......what about you????

Day Six

Staying motivated even when life doesn't go your way what a challenge. Writing the loneliset job in the world and the most dangerous work a person can do. I say this because the most dangerous place to live is in my own mind. God has a sick sense of humor some day and today is one of those days. Bobby Bowden the college Florida football coach was asked in an ESPN interview what it is he tries to teach the young men he coaches other than football skills. Coach Bowden said that he tries to teach these young men that respect is something that they seek from others, but character is what God knows about us. I translate that to mean character building is all about living right in fellowship with our peers. 

Day started out with me not hearing the truth about myself and I didn't like it. But it isn't important whether I liked the truth or not; what is important is what I do about the truth now that I know it. Character building for me is learning something about yourself that isn't a good thing and then doing something about it to change that character flaw. The trick is to stay motivated in my purpose while I become willing to surrender to the need for this psyche change. The psyche change being tone down the all about me attitude of confidence and all knowing and be more about others and respecting their feelings and thoughts. If I have learned anything this lifetime it is that no human power can keep me motivated forever not even a muse. Only God can if I ask for it humbly on my knees. So that is what I have to do. I have to start my day over and find the motivation to live my life in accordance to God's plan for me. It is that simple and that difficult at the same time.

Plan for today: order ink cartridges, wear the CE hat I didn't wear yesterday logging in 5 hours, do some How-tos, spend time with friends go to a meeting maybe and thank God at the end of the day. Sounds like I will be busy.

Enjoy your writing day everyone--remember if you lose your focus you can start the day over anytime you want to....It's all in the attitude my friends...............Let's go write!!!!!

Day Five

Good morning…….

Well I did it I dug through 12,000 + emails and I found less than ten emails of my writing. It amazes me how the mind works and fools me into thinking I am more than I am and that I do more than I do. I had to chuckle at myself at the end of the morning because this great amount of writing I thought I had done over the summer was less than ten emails. I am not saying that the quality wasn't good, but I am laughing at myself because I was hoping that pages and pages in my book would be filled with these amazing emails. I'm always looking for the easy way and it would have been easier for me if I had the book already written because then I would be putting it together this week instead of putting what I have together and writing what is left.

I went to bed adamant about shaking this panic inside of me. Fear I believe is disloyalty to God. When I am in fear I am not trusting in the being God has created me to be. Fear of losing something you don't even have. It is paralyzing. I am tired of being paralyzed. And what is really frightening about fear is that it doesn't just attack one area of your psyche at a time. Fear is a depressive emotional roller coaster that makes you hold on for dear life. The only solution for overcoming fear is to ignore it and walk through it. The trick is to know in your heart and mind that you aren’t walking through it alone. I don’t know how anyone lives a peaceful life without internal warring without a spiritual foundation. If I feel I am alone then I am. If I feel I am not alone that there is a power that I have tapped into within me that is divine and filled with imaginable Grace then I am not alone. This is all connected to our individual purpose in life. Today I believe that God made me a little bit different than everyone else because I have a gift called perception that I can express through my writing ability. I have a responsibility to myself and to others to use these gifts today. Today I don't care about the fear that lives in me. I just don't care. I am going to write and be the person I was meant to be in the eyes of my Creator. It is that simple; only I make it complex.

Plan for today: headed to the bank, write my Rev Share How-tos, put on the CE hat, enjoy some fellowship tonight and end the evening with reading up on how to use Scribd. Somewhere in my day I am going to order ink cartridges for my printer so I can print out all the pages I have that in my mind make up a book. It's about time I did that. I also need to call SUNY to see how to get my degree in hard copy--my muse wants me to teach again......

Have a good day everyone......time to put the big girl pants on and tackle the world that wars inside yourself!!!!! Go WRITE!!!!!

Day Four

Twelve inches of snow, wind gusting and it is a perfect day for a writer to sit with a cup of java, in her pjs and write her little heart out. That is my plan for today. Yesterday the writing life took a different turn than the one I had planned and I ended up playing with my new laptop which by the way is the best I have ever owned. This is all thanks to some very dear friends that I already owe so much to for introducing me to my muse.

All the excuses are gone. I have none left other than fear of success. How odd it is that I don't write because of fear of failure. In my mind I don't have to write to show you that I'll fail all I have to do is not write and I will show you that I know how to fail. That is twisted logic, yet it is how I have lived consciously and unconsciously until this week.

Life is falling into place with every opportunity I take to walk through the fear I have about living life on life's terms. For decades I made the choice to live in fear, but as I have grown more willing to admit that what I have been thinking and doing wasn’t getting me anywhere I have had the amazing experience of loving, gentle, kind, caring, funny people enter my life. Each one supports, loves, believes in me and demonstrates a certain level of wanting for me in their life that I could never have imagined I would experience in this fear-filled life I live.

The fear of whether to write or not to write is a choice I make every day. My muse gives me the strength and courage to fight off the fear that is wrapped around me like a pall and I follow her lead. She is an amazing woman filled with courage and strength battling her own demons, yet there is this gentleness and passion for living that is just who she is. So freely she gives of herself  to others. On a daily bases she is teaching me how to make the choices necessary to be successful and how to live a successful life. She leads by example. The way she expresses her purpose in life is in the way she cares for herself. She teaches me so much and brings to light how many ways I settle for less than what I have earned.

That is her success and whether she knows it or not she is teaching me to be successful in living my purpose in this life thus my friends the blog. She inspired me to create this blog for myself after years of wanting to. On a quiet Sunday morning with just the two of us talking about our purpose I turned to the laptop and just set us both up to blog. I wouldn’t have done it for myself, but I did it for her making it ok to do it for me. A regimented mind dumping that focuses me on my writing tasks at hand one day at a time; this is what I have needed all my life, but could never do it because I was afraid. My muse teaches me the process of learning how to be successful one day at a time...what a journey we are on!!

Ok, plan for today is to dig through the old emails and find my writing from this summer. I am curious to reread my life as I lived it in paragraphs sent to myself through email on my Smartphone. How smart was I, I ask :) Well, we are about to find out. What is my plan for the day: dig through my emails and gather up my writing, put on the calendar editor hat and then write How-tos until I can't see to type any longer. So I guess I have a full day ahead.

Have a good day everyone!! I am off to live this writer's life...........

Day Three

Well here we are...it's still cold out in New England with a storm coming our way predicted to drop 12” of snow.....and today I am suppose to do what I had to carryover from yesterday that I didn't get done. Not an exciting way to start a Tuesday, but I am grateful none the less that I have a full day ahead of me.

I did do the white board, but the rest of the day didn't go as planned. Computer issues, need I say more….. I have two choices: feel bad and get depressed about yesterday or I can just do my best to get what I didn't get done yesterday accomplished today. I have to avoid depression like I avoid fear.

The White board was important yesterday because it sets the tone for today. The two phrases I wrote on the white board will focus my mind today to do something for my writing goals today. The three to-do things on my list from yesterday have overflowed into today...no big deal...I just have to try and do them today.

Friends are picking me up for a meeting at 11:30am and then I have a meeting again tonight at 6:30pm. I have to txt for a ride. I also have some edits to do and I have to select new titles and write the How-tos. Tonight when I get back from the meeting is when I am going to sit down and gather up my emails from the summer and put them together in MS Word so I can edit them as the week goes on. If I get this done today I will go to bed happy. I have the rest of the week to look for the Scribd username and password Ben set up and to start posting on there. It’s a process--that is all I have to remember is that life even a writing life is a process.

Already 8:15am--just sipping my first cup of coffee—I need to try and order a laptop online because the one I am using doesn't have enough RAM and yesterday if I could have afforded it I would have thrown it right out the window. Technology is like money--we have a love hate relationship.

Have a good day everyone...and remember yesterday wasn't a failure if you didn't accomplish all you wanted. Yesterday was simply living life on life's terms.........Let's go write!!!!!!!!

Day Two

This is a good sign. I dreamt about writing today! I woke up thinking about finding the emails I sent to myself from my phone during the summer when I would sit on the deck with a cup of coffee and watch the sunrise and the world awake. My head is always clearer in the morning than at any other time of day. In the morning is my time to write for me. I must save my best for my writing projects.

My writing friend said to start this blog was lame, but I have done it anyway. By getting up and writing a blog to start the day I am making a plan of action that will guide my writing today. It is like a list of what and when I will write. I also have a white board that has blank days on it. When Barb commented on how the white board was empty Saturday I felt the pain of missed opportunity in my heart. I felt this because this summer when I was prolific I used the white board to manage my life. I filled each square with things I wanted to do in the day and as I accomplished a task I wiped it off the board. It was quite a motivator to see a month full of activates and tasks lessen as I wiped each square clean on a daily bases.

So today what am I going to do? First I am going to fill in the days of the white board and make it into the month of January. I am going to put the days in that I wrote nothing and write something in them that is a motivator. I like the phrase "Fear is disloyalty to God." I also like the phrase "Avoid depression it is linked to fear." I think these two phrases are important for me to read on a daily bases because the reason I don't write is because I am afraid.

I am afraid to be a success. I am afraid of the responsibility that comes with being a success. My whole life I have said that my goal is to stay “under the radar” when inside I was screaming to become successful and be a great big dot on the radar. So this is it. Today I do three things: fill out the whiteboard, find my emails of my writing I sent to myself over the summer and put them in a folder on my desktop and I will find the information from Ben for our domain name and our account on Scribd so that I can begin publishing excerpts from my book. I'll tell you about the book later.

Along with those three tasks for my writing I must also earn a living so I have to do some edits for Demand Studios, see why my eHow pay wasn't sent for the third month in a row without contacting them and I have to write ten how-to articles.

My muse motivates me to be the person God wants me to be. The person God wants me to be is a writer sharing my thoughts, feelings and actions with other people. That is my purpose in life to trust God, clean my emotional/spiritual/physical side of the street and help others.

Good morning everyone!!! Today has started in the right direction!!!!

Day One

Well, nine days into the New Year and this is my first gratitude entry for the year. Amazing how fast time flies and how I can convince myself that if I don't stay true to a project it is ok to wait to try again next year. That is what happened about the project I have in mind to write what I am grateful for everyday for one year. Last year I let the month of January go by without writing down a single thing I was grateful for. This year has started the same way, but what is different is a beautiful woman in my life. She is my muse; she motivates me to write. So even though the first week of January is over and I am almost three days into the second week I am going to write what I am grateful for today and commit to writing daily about the gratitude that lives and breathes inside of me.

Today I am grateful that God gave me a gift and a passion for looking at the world and recognizing the true meaning of life. For me the true meaning of life is to live as God wants me to live without fear filled with courage. Ah, but there is the rub...I am filled with fear and I'm not all that courageous. I am not afraid of failure because I know what to do with failure. My fear is fear of success. I don't know what to do with success, but my muse has come and she is teaching me what to do with my successes. She is teaching me to be comfortable with them. She teaches me to look for opportunities and to strive for success. She motivates me to be the person I was always meant to be. I'm growing into the life I was always meant to have. I found my muse. The writing possibilities are endless. I am free today because I put the action of writing into motion...it is that simple...just do it....WRITE!!!!!

And so I have. I wrote for me today.....