Day Twelve

Good Morning...I guess at some point I have to give this blog a better name than Day *!#^. Well that isn't today so let's just stay in today.

Accounting software supposed to come in the mail today along with the ink cartridges. Going to take my first paycheck this week…..huge deal for me….puts me in a different “I am worthy category” than I have been in. And that is the point of all this change in attitude, change in action and change in thinking....to be worthy within myself and equal within myself to be a worker amongst workers and a friend amongst friends and an equal partner in all my relationships.

All the years of acting as if I felt equal by pretending I was better than or worse than…..wow…..what a waste of time I could think all that experience was, but I have learned different. Every experience, every flinch (as a friend so kindly calls those moments when fear presents itself as sheer panic) and every time I fell down just to get up again is what in some sort of paradox I have to offer others. I am broken and willing to heal; therefore, I can be of service to help others heal who are broken.

Faith is like jumping off a cliff and believing you are going to sprout wings to fly....fear of jumping sends you to the floor of the canyon where you hit bottom, have to resurrect yourself and start the fight all over again just to end up at the same old place at the edge of the same old cliff. The muse and I talked about how we have always jumped with fear and guilt and always hit the floor of the canyon and had to start all over again not understanding what we did wrong or how to fix it. We agreed today to try something different....we decided to grow in our faith individually and together so that when we finally were ready to jump off the cliff we would grow wings and soar................I can't do this alone, I need God, I need the muse and I need others like me...I need to be a part of and to fight the desire to isolate with my feelings of unworthiness with every bit of willingness I can muster......... 

The muse just left and the time with her was humbling to say the least. I am quiet, nothing rattling or stirring inside me that isn’t positive and life affirming. We are on the same page, trying to trust in God and live according to God’s plan for us. It is time to try something different and we don’t have to do it alone…………..

Plan for the day: Ink cartridges came, 5 hours of CE and then How-Tos, print off the book and see how much I didn’t write…biggest part of the plan is to tend to my own business and let the muse tend to hers……………….

I know the day is half over, but it’s time to write anyway……so let’s do it…let’s get to writing…………………