I must write what others are too afraid to live.....

Confucius said, "You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer, and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or soul of man." The more I write and self-analyze in my writing the more awareness I have of self and the flaws of self. Notice I said flaws and not good qualities of self. It is my writing nature to focus on what is wrong in all I do instead of what is good.

When in my writing I notice a change in my thinking, a change in my perceptions and a change in my level of honesty it is because I have stopped focusing on what I believe doesn't shine in me. I have formulated a new, deeper, more honest awareness of who I am as a writer. I am able to express my feelings more honestly simply because I am able to attach some good to them.

It is dishonest of me to think of only the negative of any experience or to express my feelings about a circumstance as all bad. Even if the only positive I bring away from an experience is that I’ve learned more about myself then there was some good in it, something to be grateful for in that situation. It is only in hindsight though that the positive and the good becomes available to me in my thinking process.

In the moment of an experience that isn't how I want it to be I feel and only see the negative. Barbara Grizzuti Harrison wrote, “. . . to have a crisis, and act upon it, is one thing. To dwell in perpetual crisis is another.” It is as I become able to write of the experience honestly that I am able to see it as not all hurtful, or sad, or negative. It is only in hindsight I see the changes in myself that have occurred and the change is always positive. With each rehashing of an experience in my writing my feelings and my part become clearer. As I am able to see more than the hurtful side of things I am able to write a more well-rounded account of the experience that is honest and not skewed.

To replace the negative thoughts in my writing with an honest perspective of nothing is all bad and no one person all wrong is a freedom of expression I get as a writer that I chase. When I write of an experience I accept it as it is and for what it was meant to teach me. With each character, each story within that character’s life I am reaching into the essence of me. I am resurrecting experiences and feeling that have brought me to the very moment I am sitting in at the laptop.

Today as I reflect on experiences and write of my feelings and the parts I played and others played in those experiences I am going to pay close attention to the truth I am telling of myself and others in the story. The truth must reflect good and bad, positive and negative. I must reflect and write long enough that I combine my all-negative emotions with positive truths in order to create a realistic balance in my story.

To create a story and characters a reader will identify with I must write all sides not just the side I am comfortable with or that has affected me. As a writer what I teach myself in my writing is up to me and no one else. Writing is a growing process for this writer. I must embrace the process of self-discovery that my writing brings to me. I must have patience. I must feel the discomfort during my reflection on circumstances, experiences and feelings that altered my life and my psyche whether I wanted them to or not.

I cannot fix all that is wrong with my story in a single day. Sometimes the best fix is to accept that right now the story or character cannot be fixed at all because I am not ready to face the solution. When I struggle with a character or a story it is because I am unwilling to be honest about my experience and feelings I am writing.  I must step away from the laptop and reach out to my like-minded fellows. I must dig deep into my consciousness to reveal the truth of the matter. What my part was in the experience and what the other people’s part was.

Writing requires me to always do an honest self-appraisal of how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. I must turn what I don’t like into something that is productive in my writing. By turning what I am uncomfortable with into something productive in my writing I create a story and characters my readers identify with. I can give a reader the freedom to feel the despair they are too afraid to feel by writing a character that is able to act out the reader’s own suicidal fantasies. I can write out the calculated murder of a rapist and a rape victim becomes free to live out the same fantasy by identifying with my character.

Matthew Arnold wrote, “Resolve to be thyself and know that he who finds himself loses his misery.” In order for me to write so others identify I must turn my own discomfort into something useful and productive in my writing life. I must take risks, leap blindly and delve into my inner consciousness with complete abandon if I am to create a manuscript readers identify with. I must give my readers the opportunity to live out their fantasies through my characters. I must live, as others are too afraid to live.

To write is to live free.......

H. G. Wells said, "The past is but the beginning of a beginning." With each new day comes a new set of choices. I have struggled so far in the month of April to find balance between my writing for short-term pay and my writing for long-term opportunities. I keep telling myself April only has thirty days my following for this blog will still be there, but fear rears its ugly head and I worry. I couldn't hold off another day from writing this blog entry. And I now feel complete again as I type.

My struggle this month is that I am bogged down in dealing with old restitutions I need to make in order to continue to be free to write when I want, how I want and what I want. In dealing with these old restitutions I have discovered some realizations about myself and the people around me. I must always surround myself with people I aspire to be like. If I don't then I am too easily pulled back into the selfish, self-centered, self-seeking person I strive today not to be. There are only two types of people in the world givers and takers. Each day I have a choice to make about who I want to be. The writer in me is the giver. The non-writer is the taker.

I must never forget my writing journey is forward and either people are with me or not with me. I gain great insight into myself and others when I reflect and write of past circumstances and experiences. It is easy to write in a non-judgmental frame of mind when all that is required for good writing is to accept that people do the best they can with the knowledge of self they have in the moment. When I bring this accepting attitude into my daily writing I am able to change the lives of my characters most times for the better, but nothing is absolute. Characters tend to have a mind of their own when it comes to learning life lessons.

As writers we cannot afford to live as others do. We cannot deny, distort or lose touch with the pain of our past lives. In order to write we must face the truth of our past, critically tear ourselves apart until we recognize our feeling are not unique, our actions have been repeated by others and finally we forgive ourselves for being human in the first place. When I can forgive myself for being human I become able to use what I understand as my authentic self and the best source of writing material I will ever discover.

I need always remember when I revisit the past I must also leave it when I am finished researching how circumstances and experiences made me feel. The past is always over and it is what I do now in the present that effects my writing today. I may be powerless over what has happened in the past, but I am not powerless over how I use it to create a prolific writing future for myself. My writing will rarely be an amends to anyone from my past. I have learned from reading Pat Conroy, Raymond Carver, A. R. Gurney and Peter Taylor that to write of what I know brings out the same anxiety in those around me that I experience. The difference between “the others” in my life and me is I found the courage to face my fears in spite of the judgment of those around me. They are still trapped and through my writing and publishing I grow more and more free. 

I am not responsible for how others feel about my writing. I am only responsible for working through my own feelings through my writing. I cannot change the choices others make of how they choose to live their lives. I can only change the way I live and express the changes through developing characters that live a life readers identify with. There are only two choices a writer ever really has. One choice is to continue on the path I am on filled with fear and not writing. The second choice is to make changes in my attitude of self-worth that will bring me personal growth and a deeper understanding of self. Non writers are too afraid to write their experience and feelings. I am a writer and all I write is a reflection of my experiences and feelings growth.

I spent years as a non-writer denying my feelings in order to protect myself from the judgment of others. I separated my writing self from my life and hid her in a closet. If I couldn't see her, hear her or feel her pain of loneliness then I wouldn't have to deal with my fear of being judged by others. I lived this way until not writing became easy for me. I lived a life of indifference; I became detached from the part of me I loved the most my writing self.

I lived in fear of being judged and that fear brought me to a place where I didn't feel good enough in comparison to others. I became less than the person I knew I was. Fear and anxiety ruled me until a teacher appeared and the lesson of no one is less than anyone else was finally felt inside of me. The shift in attitude came from understanding that "The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them." This line comes from the play The Devil's Disciple written by George Bernard Shaw in 1901.

When I realized to be a part of a fellowship of like-minded people was to stop separating myself from them I became free to write whatever I felt without fear. In order to be a writer and a working part of a fellowship of writers I must find within the courage to walk through my fear. I must write on a daily basis and write whatever is in me to say and then click publish.

I have come to a place in my life where I am safe within myself to feel my feelings and write of them without feeling a responsibility to those involved in my experiences and feelings. I do not have to live a life of shutting out my writing self by locking her away in a closet. With every word I write and every click of publish I grow a deeper love of self, greater self-worth and a deeper sense of freedom from within.

As a writer I have the ability to write of past experiences and feelings with truthful respect and in proper perspective. I can still love those around me and myself and write of what makes us all imperfectly human. I have forgiven myself for my humanness and I am not responsible for the feelings of others who have not forgiven themselves. Graham Greene said, “Isn’t disloyalty as much the writer’s virtue as loyalty is the soldier’s?” Writing of what is real and not distorted will feel like disloyalty to those who fear their feelings will be exposed in my writing.

As a writer I am loyal to my need and desire to reflect, experience and to write what feel, have felt and do feel through my relationships with other people. As a non-writer I am loyal to the needs of others and I express my loyalty by not writing. I do not write of my experiences, circumstances and feelings which are always entwined with the lives and feelings of others. Each day I make a conscious choice to be a writer loyal to myself or a non-writer loyal to others. I am a writer today loyal in my writing only to myself. I am free.

Editing is part of writing the truth.....

I have taken this week off to do some needed research and to try and figure out a writing schedule that would allow me to earn a comfortable living and to continue with the amount of material I have come accustomed to writing for this blog. What I have found is there isn't enough hours in the day (no surprise) so every other day will be a blog and every day will be work! That is moderation to the best of my ability and on the off days I have time for the writing of my novel on my other blog http://uncherishedastory.blogspot.com/ so here we go with the new material and schedule!!

Faith Baldwin said, "Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations." I don't know about you, but editing is not my favorite part of writing. I missed the lesson in editing class where we were taught that editing is to dig deeper and learn more than we do when writing.  As I go through my chapters line by line experiencing the feelings over and over again until I get to the truth of what it is I wanted to say all along I am editing. Editing hasn't always been about the truth for me; editing use to be a way for me to cover up the truth in my writing because I was still in that place of worry and fear of what other people might think.

Albert Einstein wrote, "Imagination is more important than knowledge." When I go back to edit now I am not rewriting to cover up the truth of what I think or how I feel. I am rewriting to make sure the emotion, the sentiment, the experience is raw and filled with feeling. I write because I have an agenda. An agenda to be as honest and truthful as I can about me so others can peek out from behind the curtain and be truthful and honest about whom they are. I write for fellowship, for identification with others. I do not compare for comparison paralyzes.

When I write knowing I am in unison with others not able yet to write with freedom I embrace editing instead of hating it. Writers and non-writers alike walk parallel paths and our writing whether in our minds or on paper is enhanced by the movements of sifting through words to get to the truth. For the non-writer every word of truth written brings you closer to a whole sentence, a paragraph, a chapter and a completed novel. For every writer the truth brings new acceptance and freedom once experienced can never be forgotten and becomes all we seek in future writing sessions. 

The writer’s greatest demon is perfectionism. If we edit for technical perfection we can lose the truth we started out with. Every writer starts with a blank page. If we forget where we start we will never be able to reach the end. It is only because I feel I am no different than Atwood, Fitzgerald, King, White, Austen, Woolf and all the other greats that I am able to assemble the courage required to write the truth of my life as I feel it.

To edit is to willingly acknowledge our writing is not a perfect tour de force in terms of technique. Every writer knows the true tour de force is really the rawness of imperfection in writing our experience and feelings as they pour out on to the blank page. By acknowledging error in technique we are not saying there is any error in our feelings or perceptions of our world, our reality as it forms around us. From editing I derive gratitude today simply because I view editing as an opportunity to clarify what I feel as I reflect on the experience I have written.

Writing is a process. As I edit I learn, I grow, I share myself at a deeper level without fear. I restructure words and sentences so readers may identify with clarity and value the art of writing. I pour out my soul in my writing and in order to sift through the pain of living I must edit and clarify my technique allowing the real truth to be revealed. Writing is letting time have her way with my writing making alterations of my perceptions. Going back to a piece of writing after some time has passed brings clarity. Clarity allows me to make necessary changes in my own self-discovery that reaches far beyond the technical task at hand many writers including myself view editing to be.

Published writers are not always the most gifted, but they are the most courageous. What separates writers and non-writers is determination. The three Bronte sisters we read were more determined and courageous than their brother who we have never read. Branwell Bronte believed to be the most talented writer in the Bronte family never sent his writing to a publisher simply because he lacked the courage and determination of his sisters.

John Berryman believed 20% of writing was talent and the rest was persistence. This week I was asked how do I continue to write as much as I do. First, I write because I like to eat and my persistence to earn a living off the written word has provided me a life of feast or famine and I prefer feast. Second, I write this blog and pulled out the manuscript from the drawer because to live with regret is one thing, but to die with regret is another and to live as if I have died with regret is yet another thing altogether.

It wasn't until I had a teacher appear in my life who was chronically ill that I was able to feel the difference between living with regret, dying with regret and living filled with regret as if I were dying. Three very different feelings I experienced through my teacher, my once upon a time friend.

Fear is a leach attached to our dreams, desires and hopes. Fear sucks up the very breath our life depends on. When I was in the mental and emotional state of being afraid of the truth I was living in a state of regret. It wasn't until my fear identified with my teacher’s fear that I was able to feel by living with regret I was actually living a dying person's life. I had become the very thing I wanted to write about.

I will always be grateful for my experience with my friend, my teacher for it gave me the courage to be the writer I always wanted to be, but was too afraid to become. From finding the courage to face my fears of clicking publish I have developed my own sense of will, determination and persistence. I write as I feel, as I reflect and as I interpret my experience regardless of what the ramifications are for those still afraid to tell the truth about their own lives. I wish them well, but I must leave them behind without looking back. To look back would be to turn into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife in the Book of Genesis. I determinedly write for a future derived from the past.