The action behind letting go.................

As I writer I believe that my writing is an expression of how I feel inside. The more I write the more I work through, let go and come to understand and accept the emotions and feelings I am having. The expression of writing for me is the action behind letting go.

After a lifetime of suppressing how I feel I have come to a place where I feel safe enough with the people around me to express my feelings, my thoughts and my actions all at the same time. No more part and parcel…….each person in my life gets just one me instead of fractions of me.  Not only have I surrounded myself with people I feel safe with I have come to a level of self-belief that I don’t care as much what others may think of what I write.

An example is yesterday’s blog “Suit Up and Show Up…” a few months ago I would not have been able to hit the publish button. I would have worried what other people thought of me struggling and causing myself suffering in life due to searching for external sources when all I need is right inside me. My pride and ego would not have let me tell you that. I felt unaccepted because I wasn’t accepting of who I am, where I am or what I am.

I have a disease of more. I’ve had glimpses of contentment, peace, serenity, being one with the universe (as my friends describe my journey), but they have been just brief moments that have stretched into days, sometimes weeks and a few times even months, but they are not consistently present.

My writing life is a learning process of how to let go of the past, how to move on into the future and how to stop allowing myself to become numb when my feelings are overwhelming. Writing what thoughts keep me separated from people and my characters is a process just like learning how to live. Each day in this blog I write what I feel and I write what thoughts are blocking me from feeling.

I find release when I publish this blog every night. I have expressed myself which is a risk I was never willing to take before. In sharing who I am with you I ease my own suffering. With you acceptance matters less and less as I develop this habit of writing me; I’m growing more comfortable.

Plato wrote, “For have you not perceived that imitations, whether of bodily gestures, tones of voice, or modes of thought, if they be preserved in from an early age, are apt to grow into habits and a second nature?” I want to simplify this and say “I am who I hang with.”

My ego tells me to act as if I know how to live, how to write, how to have relationships, but I’m just learning and acting as if got me where I am today which is not where I wanted to be because there are times when I still feel alone. I must be around and write of people I aspire to be like because in life or in writing I am who I hang with. If I’m hanging with just me I am hanging with the wrong crowd.

One of the greatest lessons in life for me has been to learn that the image I create of me in my mind is the life I live. I have been writing about how my mood and attitude imitates my feelings. When I write of conflict and I create a solution for my character in my writing I can chose to act as if and resolve the same conflict in my own life.

As I write my story I can imitate all those characteristics I aspire to be until I am comfortable as is and no longer having to live and write as if..............