I have come to understand that in order to unlock the door and enter into the world I want to live in I must accept the person I am. If I focus too much on becoming the person I want to be or have been then I miss the opportunity
to enjoy the person I am right now in the moment.
Part of putting life in front of my writing was because I set my standards for the perfect word choice
, the perfect sentence and ultimately the perfect story 
too high. I could never make the decision to commit to writing daily because my standards were too high for me to achieve.
I wanted every word to be perfectly exact and since I was never content with the words I came up with I chose not to write any words at all. When I was making the decision daily to not write I didn't realize the full extent of the consequences. I couldn't understand because no one can understand the ramifications of a decision until the dust has settled, we gain perspective and we reflect in hindsight whether or not our choices were the right ones.
All any writer can do is make a decision in the moment whether or not to write today. The consequences of a decision to not write are only felt in hindsight
.
In my head I would always say tomorrow I will write. I never realized that tomorrow never comes and that by living in tomorrow I was missing the opportunity I was granted today to write. If in our life we worry and fret about what the future will bring then we lose all opportunity of living today.
My biggest fear in life has always been to be lying on my death bed with regret. If I don’t change the course of my writing life I will have regret that I missed the daily opportunity to express myself in writing. The regret isn't that I didn't get published or that no one reads what I wrote. The regret is that I didn't value me enough to live in the moment and seize the opportunity to write each day of my life.
What has changed in me is that I have come to accept that I am not perfect and the standards I set for my "perfect" writing are unrealistic. I will not always have the perfect word, be able to formulate the perfect sentence or create the perfect story. What I can do perfectly though is write something, anything, every day. If all I accomplish today is to write in this blog then I have been successful today.
Something else I have changed in me is that I no longer isolate myself from others like me. I am developing a social network
of fellow writers who struggle with the same issues I do in terms of commitment to self. In knowing and feeling that I am not alone in my struggle the burden lessens within me. I need fellowship in order to not set standards for myself that are unrealistic.
When I am living in fear I am not being true to myself
. When I am living in fear of writing I feel a knot in my stomach, I feel disconnected from the people around me. But when I share my fears with my fellow writers I lessen my pain and the ability to write takes me to a new and refreshing perspective of who I am today in this very moment. I can share my struggles with my fellows and even share my solutions, but what is most important is that I listen and accept the solution my peers have stumbled upon to help them handle similar struggles.
I must come to accept that to be the person I really want to be is to accept the person I really am. I am a writer who on some days is afraid to feel her writing and so I have chosen on many days not to write because I was afraid to not meet my self-imposed high standards. Instead of acknowledging I was afraid by telling another writer I diverted my fear and focused on other things in life like an education, a career, raising a family, buying that house or boat or car. All these diversions kept me away from accepting who and what I am, a writer too afraid of failure to write.
I cannot change the decisions I made all I can do is make different ones today. I must always do my best to make my decisions in the moment wisely because the results will always have consequences once the dust settles. For this writer the consequence was waiting until mid-life to put me first and to become the person, the writer I always wanted to be.
It doesn't matter how you get to putting yourself first and making the daily commitment to write all that matters is you make the decision. When I am struggling and looking hard to find the reason why I am not wanting to write the answer I discover is staring me in the face, all I had to do was stop looking for it. The answer is always that there is something I don’t want to feel.
Aristotle wrote, "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." I am the one who takes the happiness out of my life. I am the one who sets the standards so high I don't have to think about accomplishing anything. I already know I can't so I don't even try. I divert my attention to other things in life.
In fellowship with other writers I find happiness and acceptance. I find acceptance of my own imperfections and struggles because in order to be a writer amongst writers I must accept my peer’s imperfections and struggles. When I am not happy with myself I look for happiness in other people, places and things. When I choose not to write I search for a diversion that allows me to forget I am not happy with myself. Keeping happiness out of my life is a choice I make on a daily basis.
When I am writing on a daily basis I am happy with myself. The happiness of today spills over and I catch it again the next day if I honor my same commitment to write. In hindsight all those days in my life of not writing are just lessons of what not to do and they are experiences I can share so that another writer's burden may be lessened by feeling that they are not alone....we are alike.
As my self-imposed burden of too high a standard eases with every day I choose to write my heart finds its own happiness. I search less and less for happiness on the outside and I am learning to enjoy my own happiness I create by being the person I really want to be. I really want to be a writer who writes.
I am only left to struggle alone if I chose to remain alone.........
to enjoy the person I am right now in the moment. Part of putting life in front of my writing was because I set my standards for the perfect word choice
, the perfect sentence and ultimately the perfect story too high. I could never make the decision to commit to writing daily because my standards were too high for me to achieve. I wanted every word to be perfectly exact and since I was never content with the words I came up with I chose not to write any words at all. When I was making the decision daily to not write I didn't realize the full extent of the consequences. I couldn't understand because no one can understand the ramifications of a decision until the dust has settled, we gain perspective and we reflect in hindsight whether or not our choices were the right ones.
All any writer can do is make a decision in the moment whether or not to write today. The consequences of a decision to not write are only felt in hindsight
.In my head I would always say tomorrow I will write. I never realized that tomorrow never comes and that by living in tomorrow I was missing the opportunity I was granted today to write. If in our life we worry and fret about what the future will bring then we lose all opportunity of living today.
My biggest fear in life has always been to be lying on my death bed with regret. If I don’t change the course of my writing life I will have regret that I missed the daily opportunity to express myself in writing. The regret isn't that I didn't get published or that no one reads what I wrote. The regret is that I didn't value me enough to live in the moment and seize the opportunity to write each day of my life.
What has changed in me is that I have come to accept that I am not perfect and the standards I set for my "perfect" writing are unrealistic. I will not always have the perfect word, be able to formulate the perfect sentence or create the perfect story. What I can do perfectly though is write something, anything, every day. If all I accomplish today is to write in this blog then I have been successful today.
Something else I have changed in me is that I no longer isolate myself from others like me. I am developing a social network
of fellow writers who struggle with the same issues I do in terms of commitment to self. In knowing and feeling that I am not alone in my struggle the burden lessens within me. I need fellowship in order to not set standards for myself that are unrealistic.When I am living in fear I am not being true to myself
. When I am living in fear of writing I feel a knot in my stomach, I feel disconnected from the people around me. But when I share my fears with my fellow writers I lessen my pain and the ability to write takes me to a new and refreshing perspective of who I am today in this very moment. I can share my struggles with my fellows and even share my solutions, but what is most important is that I listen and accept the solution my peers have stumbled upon to help them handle similar struggles. I must come to accept that to be the person I really want to be is to accept the person I really am. I am a writer who on some days is afraid to feel her writing and so I have chosen on many days not to write because I was afraid to not meet my self-imposed high standards. Instead of acknowledging I was afraid by telling another writer I diverted my fear and focused on other things in life like an education, a career, raising a family, buying that house or boat or car. All these diversions kept me away from accepting who and what I am, a writer too afraid of failure to write.
I cannot change the decisions I made all I can do is make different ones today. I must always do my best to make my decisions in the moment wisely because the results will always have consequences once the dust settles. For this writer the consequence was waiting until mid-life to put me first and to become the person, the writer I always wanted to be.
It doesn't matter how you get to putting yourself first and making the daily commitment to write all that matters is you make the decision. When I am struggling and looking hard to find the reason why I am not wanting to write the answer I discover is staring me in the face, all I had to do was stop looking for it. The answer is always that there is something I don’t want to feel.
Aristotle wrote, "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." I am the one who takes the happiness out of my life. I am the one who sets the standards so high I don't have to think about accomplishing anything. I already know I can't so I don't even try. I divert my attention to other things in life.
In fellowship with other writers I find happiness and acceptance. I find acceptance of my own imperfections and struggles because in order to be a writer amongst writers I must accept my peer’s imperfections and struggles. When I am not happy with myself I look for happiness in other people, places and things. When I choose not to write I search for a diversion that allows me to forget I am not happy with myself. Keeping happiness out of my life is a choice I make on a daily basis.
When I am writing on a daily basis I am happy with myself. The happiness of today spills over and I catch it again the next day if I honor my same commitment to write. In hindsight all those days in my life of not writing are just lessons of what not to do and they are experiences I can share so that another writer's burden may be lessened by feeling that they are not alone....we are alike.
As my self-imposed burden of too high a standard eases with every day I choose to write my heart finds its own happiness. I search less and less for happiness on the outside and I am learning to enjoy my own happiness I create by being the person I really want to be. I really want to be a writer who writes.
I am only left to struggle alone if I chose to remain alone.........
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