Move in the direction of my dreams......

Henry David Thoreau wrote, "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." Today on a social networking site I chatted with fellow writers about not mapping out a plan for my manuscript.

Well, first I should tell you last night I pulled an old manuscript out of the filing cabinet drawer and decided I wanted to finish writing it. What I fail to realize, yet somehow am able to teach, is that there already is a plan I just have to do the action of suiting up and showing up at the laptop to fulfill the plan.

It was humbling to pull the manuscript out of the drawer, blow the proverbial dust off the pages, open the cover of the notebook and see my own handwriting. I could barely read what I had written my handwriting was so terrible. I started this manuscript in NY right after I ruptured the tendon in my thumb. I could barely hold a pen at the time let alone try and write.

I had it in my head then that computers were ruining the writing craft and the real literary masters were still writing with pen and paper. I was out of my mind setting myself up for failure even at thinking the thought let alone living it. I moved to MA in 2004 and I started writing this manuscript 3 or 4 years earlier. That's over a decade of my life gone filled with missed opportunity.

But yesterday in my blog post I wrote I wanted to learn how to write the opposite of negative emotions and that sparked me to pull out the manuscript. I never stopped believing in the project I just stopped believing in me. Yesterday, because of my out of Africa friend who is an incredible cheerleader I made different choices. I made the choice to try and renew something I once cared passionately about.

I also chose to talk to other writers about where I struggle in the middle of the story. My struggle is never with the beginning or the end those parts come easy. I have hundreds of beginnings and endings. I chose to share a vignette of the main character with you last night in my blog entry as Exercise #1. I have made the decision to share with each new post a vignette of my characters taken from the manuscript as it unfolds daily.

I am learning consistency and the pacing of time which is fast when I don't want it to be and slow when I don't want it to be. Time never seems to be right for me so I have to do things in spite of the time. All that is required of me is to put forth the effort to do all I can today which is to be a stronger writer and person then I was the day before.

I can't control the outcome of my writing, but I can control whether or not I write. There are things in my life I let prevent me from writing. I can't force myself to let them go any faster than I am and I can't insist the calmness comes back into my mind any faster than it is going to either. All I can do is keep as busy as possible while time takes care of all the letting go and restoring of calmness in me. Pulling out the manuscript is a productive way of distracting me so time can carry out its mission in my life. 

All I have to be is willing to participate in my own life, willing to change the things that keep me comfortable and live outside the box I have created as my life. I have to have hope instead of doubt. I have to have faith instead of fear. I have to choose to live instead of remaining stuck. I have to make time for an old project I have failed to make time for.

I must move in the direction of my dreams, live the life I have always imagined and my success will be more than I expected........

Exercise #2

I left Lee’s apartment without really remembering the trot down the rickety stairs leading me into the cold night air. I was still warm from her embrace as I walked past store fronts, cafes and restaurants. I felt as though someone was following me, but I couldn’t hear footsteps. When I turned my head the shadows all stood still; all I could see was steam rising from the drainage grates. I had hoped when I turned around I would see Lee, but there was no one there. My heart sank a bit; I knew she would never follow me. She would never follow me anywhere.

My disappointment gave into the strong aroma of fresh brewed coffee from a cafeteria up ahead. In just a few strides I was at the counter ordering coffee looking for a table. The cafeteria was more crowded than I was comfortable with.  I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t afford to be here.

I was handed a cup and I left the little bit of change I had on the counter. I stood frozen in the crowd looking for a seat. As I stood still a tall gentleman with black rimmed glasses walked up to me touching my cup as if to take it from me. He smiled at the expression of surprise on my face while asking me to join him at his table. He was alone waiting for time to pass. He had a meeting at eight o’clock.

Our conversation was casual, but directed at more than the weather. He felt sad at my plight to find work and I felt admiration for him having a professional life, a career. Time passed quickly and we were both headed to an eight o’clock meeting. He asked if I stopped at the cafeteria often.  I said it was possible I could make more of an effort to stop in and then we left our table.

He put me into a cab, gave the cabby fare and told him to take me wherever I wanted to go. I had shoved the address of my eight o’clock meeting in the pocket of my coat. I fumbled for a minute as the cabby pulled away from the curb. I read the address out loud fighting my want to turn around. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I wanted to look back and watch him get smaller and smaller as the cabby fought his way into traffic, but I didn’t. I just sat still, eyes forward, thinking about the last two hours of my life.