Happy New Year's

So a year ago I started this blog and produced a book for writers out of it. I will be publishing that book in the upcoming months and you can purchase it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble and yes on my website which will be up in the next couple of months as well. This new year is filled with possibilities. All that holds me back is me.

This year--well today actually, I am starting another year of blogging and seeing what book is produced from my constant vigilence. I have no idea what I am going to be blogging about, but I do know that for me to write is to live and to not write is to die.

Happy New Year everyone. 2012 will be what we make a decision for it to be--your life is your attitude--glass half full or half empty. My glass runs over today and I am grateful.

It feels good to be back.

Writing: This Writer's Life: And oh yes…..writing.

Writing: This Writer's Life: And oh yes…..writing.: "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, 'Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.' As we write, edit and self-prom..."

And oh yes…..writing.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, "Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think." As we write, edit and self-promote we wait for the phone to ring, a letter to come through the mail or an email to be sent asking us to allow someone else into our writing life. As children many of us have dreamed of being on the New York Times Best Seller List and as Oprah gained clout in the publishing world some of us dreamed of the her reading our book and wanting to enter into our writing life. The goal for many of us started out as seeking success and fame. We dreamed of it at night, driving down the road, at our jobs. If you are like me you chased movies thinking all the while "I can write that." But the time comes in every writer's life when the fame doesn't come and success takes on a new meaning.

As I have matured as a person I have matured as a writer. As I have learned how to say "No" as a complete sentence I have become more responsible to my own goals and aspirations. As I have become more loyal and responsible to myself I have become less easily distracted. Getting side-tracked from our own lives is human nature. The length of time we allow ourselves to be side-tracked is what separates successful famous writers from “want to be” writers. I no longer get side-tracked for long periods of time. As I have learned to say "No" as a complete sentence my awareness of what distracts me has become more apparent. I am no longer a slave to distraction I become aware of it, I accept the minimal amount of time living life with others will keep me distracted and then I do what I can to still keep the progress of my writing life moving forward.

Being a writer is more than just writing. I am an editor, a publicist, an IT person and I am a researcher. I must always being wearing one of these many hats even when I am being distracted by life. An author friend in her blog a while back mentioned this very same concept of a writing life being more than just writing. In the past I made the mistake of thinking I had only one project going on and that project was going to make or break me as a writer. I was setting myself up to fail before I even started. I have had a psyche change when it comes to a single project and single developmental stage of a project. I must always be moving. I have discovered constant movement is the key to being disciplined. I may not have a blog entry for a few weeks, but I am editing and researching and self-promoting on a daily bases.

I often think of all the time I wasted not realizing a writing life is more than just writing. Mary McLeod Bethune said, "Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt." I can choose to dwell on the past and how I wasted time setting myself up for failure before I even started my writing project or I can forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know. I must never forget what I have learned of my past mistakes, but I need not paralyze myself with regret either. I mentioned above that I have had a psyche change in my writing life. I no longer have one project my writing is broken up into many projects that are all concurrent and require the same amount of discipline, responsibility and attention.

When I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know then my attitude changes in regards to how I think about myself. When I am unforgiving of myself I am resentful and angry. Resentment and anger clog up my creativity causing me to talk myself out of writing or editing a word that day. I am not moving when I am not open to my creativity and the discipline this writing life asks of me. I was hurting myself more than I am helping. To not know is one thing and easily forgivable. Being aware and still not writing is unforgiveable.

My daily writing life productivity is contingent upon my view of myself. If I am accepting of who I am, I am comfortable enough with myself to say "No" as a complete sentence. A successful writing life is one where balance prevails. All things in moderation are a must for this writer's life. It has taken years for me to find a balance in my life. There must be 8 hours of work, 8 hours of play and 8 hours of rest. Of course this is the ideal and not realistically attainable for this writer, but it is does lay a path for a way of living that allows me to juggle a multitude of balls in the air without feeling guilty over what I think I should be doing.

The 8 hour ideal tells me when to change gears in my day and helps me not give in to my own irresponsibility. Part of being comfortable in my own skin is not letting emotions rule my rational thoughts. To be all consumed with one thing is to let other things just as important fall to the wayside. There is no balance in this type of living. The psyche change that has occurred in this writer's writing life is the need for moderation in all my affairs has melded somehow to my ability to plan out a day or a week simply by saying "No."

Teachers appear in your life at the most unexpected times. The lessons we learn from these teachers we can either incorporate in our lives or ignore continuing to repeat our behavior until the pain brings us to our knees. Unfortunately for this writer I had to repeat a few lessons before I learn how to move forward in my writing life. I finally came to believe writing in isolation does not mean my writing life is one of isolation. The key to my finding balance in my writing life comes from my outreach to other writers and theirs to me. I talk about what I am doing and how I am doing it and I listen to how others have had success, success I want and am aspiring to attain.

I chose to accept my own unacceptable writing behavior because I had no one else to compare it to. Now that I have other writers in my life I am accountable not only to myself, but to live up to what I write of writing. Other writers are reading about how I am finding success so I must live up to what I write. I am responsible and I must be accountable on a daily bases by keeping my writing life moving forward on some project level.

Today I refuse to carry with me resentments I had directed at myself. I have changed my attitude to one of gratitude for the gifts I have been given. I see the world just a little bit differently than other people and that vision and the ability to articulate what it is I see are unmerited gifts I no longer am choosing to waste. I can learn from the past, but I no longer have to repeat it. I am free in this writing life today and every day I continue to move forward on one of my writing projects of editing, researching, self-promoting and oh yes…..writing.

Life is never more than I can write about............

Francis Bacon wrote, "By far the best proof is experience." How do I get experience as a writer if I do not go out and live life? One gift of aging is I have acquired experience. I have developed a bit of character and self-respect. I have convictions, beliefs, knowledge and awareness. I am comfortable in my own skin and I prove it when I click publish. With each experience I write and share with readers I gain trust in myself and skills.

My writing has never let me down; only I let me down when I write it is never the words. I have come to trust in what I write. I share parts of me that have been challenged and that have rejoiced in victory. Having this trust in my writing doesn’t mean I am prolific every day. I still wake up and have to have enough coffee to jolt my courage into waking up with me.

Since every day is about getting to the other side of my fear the best way to start the day is quiet so I can hear the pounding of my fear in my chest and head. It is in the silence I am forced to listen to my own voice. I use to always have background noise on so I couldn’t  hear my own voice. I was unhappy and didn't want to hear myself tell me just how unhappy I was.

I write about life-changing lessons. Some lessons I have had to repeat; in fact, if I am honest all life-changing lessons I have had to repeat. I didn't realize it though until I started writing them. As I write the feelings and experiences of my life into my characters I view my life as one filled with challenges and opportunities. My life is never more than I can write about. Wendell Berry said, "The world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles . . . only by a spiritual journey . . . by which we arrive at the ground at our feet, and learn to be at home."

The circumstance of my fear is enveloped in the help and guidance I need to be a writer who writes. I find comfort when I write. I am ill-at-ease, irritable and discontented when I am not writing. Today I write so I have found a way to break through my fear. My own writing experience has taught me that the more I write the less my fear owns me. Today no one or nothing owns me. I am free to write, to click publish, to be the writer I was always meant to be and to live the life I was always meant to live.  

I live one writing day at a time.........

Louisa May Alcott said, "I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." My life is the ship I am learning to sail. It is through my writing that I learn about myself and the path(s) my life can take. Just like a ship sailing the ocean it has a course and a destination and so does my writing life. Each time I sit at the blank screen and begin to type I am plotting a course to reach my destiny. What that destiny is I don't know. The choices I make, the people I become involved with, how many words I choose to write each day all steer me down various paths to my destiny.

I may never reach my destiny because of the choices I make in my life that keep me away from my writing life. How many people die with regret because they know they didn't fulfill their destiny? I don't know if I will reach my destiny before I die, but I do know that I am making better choices when it comes to how important my writing is to my destiny. I use to put writing off until tomorrow, but tomorrow never came. I didn't have the courage to say "No" I want to be alone with me and write today. I was so dependent on other people to feel alive I couldn't sit still and write how alive I felt because it wasn’t my life I was feeling it was theirs. Today I can say "No" because I have found moderation in my life and my writing life. I live two separate lives.

When I didn't have the courage to say, "No I need to write today" I lived in a world of worry and fear. These worries and fears made me lose all perspective on what my reality actually was. My life was a nightmare. I was drowning in the love, want and need of and for others. It is a strange place to be to have all that love, want and need become so consuming you can't breathe. There is nowhere for you to run because their love and your need for love follow you wherever you go. In the state of suffering and suffocation I could not write.

My suffering was about the future and what I would gain or what I would lose if I said "No." As I have learned to live my life in the present in the very moment I am breathing in fear and worries of the past have slipped away. I live one writing day at a time and I make the most out of that day. My courage to write my truth and my reality is hinged on my ability to remove fear from my mind by just staying in the moment. I just have to do something for my writing life today. I don't have to worry about yesterday and what I did and I don't have to think about what it is I need to do tomorrow because tomorrow never comes.

Preparing for a future that may never come about is a way of protecting myself from exposure. If I predict an outcome then I plot a course to make my own prediction come true. If I say I am going to write tomorrow then I am predicting I am not going to write today and that is exactly what happens. I don't write a single word today.

Fellowship with other writers has kept me honest about my writing and non-writing. When I communicate with a group of writers who write as much as they can in a single day then my day reflects theirs and I write as much as I can in a single day. Like-minded people lift each other up. People not of my like mind don't understand the need for me to empty my head, to write and explore what I feel and have experienced and felt in my past. I write who I am and I discover who I am by writing what I remember of my history.

As I reflect back on my worries and fears that kept me from writing I realize that most of them never came to pass and those that did materialize my best preparation would not have been enough to prevent the episode or situation from happening. As I have grown into my writing self [through writing I can't stress that enough] my faith in my destiny has enhanced. My self-esteem and self-trust has soared. I am not talking about false pride look at me. I am talking about internal satisfaction, comfortable in my own skin, happy to be living this writer's life. I have become capable of doing for myself what I have always looked for others to do for me. I have developed a belief that I can and am achieving my destiny. All I do each day is take the appropriate action in my writing life and the pages just fill up.

I am no longer afraid to say "No" to people or to myself for that matter. There are times when it is necessary to say "No" to myself because I am imperfectly human and want to side step the discipline it takes to be a writer writing this writer's life, but the more I write the more I am learning how to steer my ship to my finally destiny. The goal is to arrive without regret. Louis L. Hay wrote, “I now choose to rise above my personality problems to recognize the magnificence of my being. I am totally willing to learn to love myself.” So here I go trudging the Road of Happy Destiny……..some of you will know where that belief comes from J

Writing restores me to sanity........

Maltbie D. Babcock wrote, "Our business in life is not to get ahead of other people, but to get ahead of ourselves." The more I write the more I begin to notice the separation between who I use to be and who I am now as I write. Writing restores me. It brings me to a place within I have always wanted to dwell. In this mecca within me I am restored to sanity. I know of my own restoration because I am able to make comparisons between the mind I use to use and the one I use now. 

I remember twenty years ago when I was unable to sit still long enough to write more than a vignette of a character. My mind was so full of chaos, drama and connecting my life to others that to write with a full mind was impossible. As I have grown in myself so has my writing grown. The more I have come to rely on myself and stopped looking for others to support me, love me, want me and care about my writing as much I do the more I have been able to give support, love and want to myself and care for my own writing.

Helen Keller said “To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” The only person who can defeat me is me. History is made up of memories of people repeating the same mistakes of their ancestors. In our own lives we make history by repeating the same mistakes. Writing gives us the opportunity to change our history though. Through my writing I can avoid making the same mistakes. I can change my behaviors so that my history doesn’t repeat itself. 

I change my behavior by writing about them until I understand why I behave the way I do. Creating characters is writing myself, my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings. I learn about myself from writing about myself. Writing myself is not planning or creating a future; it is writing so I move forward not backwards. If I write to plan my future I limit my ability to reflect and write what I know which is my past. When I stifle my creativity by limiting my thinking I must remind myself to always remain teachable and open-minded.

As I write I change through my own self-discovery. I continually let go of my past behaviors and old ideas because to repeat the past is to create barriers to my writing. If I don’t let go of my past as I write it my approach to life is one of clinging rather than freedom. Top write is freedom to not write is to be imprisoned. If I get too attached to one form of thinking, being or feeling then I limit my approach to my writing. Writing in this writer’s life is adjusting to the changes within my own mind. When I am versatile as a writer I write without suffering.

Writing is practice being myself. The self I know I can be. The self I aspire to be that has always lived within me. I cross paths with the mind I used in the past, but my new mind is so flexible such moments are merely fleeting ones. As a writer I do not see and write the world as it is. I see and write the world as I am in the moment I am writing it.  

As I grow in my writing I learn and unlearn what is me and was me. I replace my old ideas with new ones as long as I remain teachable. I seek and claim new ideas. I welcome change because through change a flow of writing material surfaces. With each change in my life and my thinking I nourish and replenish my vast library of writing material. As I keep my face towards change I nourish and replenish my belief. The belief that I am writing this writer’s life so others can identify and write their writing lives.    

Writing is a personal inventory.......

Samuel Butler wrote, "I care about the truth not for truth's sake but for my own." When I write I write my truth, my vision, my experience, my memories, feelings, thoughts, ideas. When I am writing at my best I am admitting I am human, I have flaws, I fail, I struggle, and at times I don't succeed. When I write I am acknowledging I am not perfect, I am human. In my imperfection I am filled with mistakes.

Writing is a series of mini confessions made to readers. Admitting my humanness isn't easy. Having the courage to reveal the imperfections in myself through my writing is trudging the road of self-discovery. When I write of the people in my life I am writing them through my eyes. I write how my mistakes affect them and how their humanness affects me.

Pretending is something non-writers do. Non-writers pretend they know what another feels, thinks and experiences because it is easier. Pretending is easier to write; it takes no courage. Pretending we feel something we never experienced is easier than writing what we truly have experienced. When non-writers pretend they justify, rationalize and ultimately lie. To lie is inviting because it demands nothing of us and that nothingness is reflected on the page. The price a non-writer pays for not taking the risk of writing their own experience is that they never become the writer they truly are.

Writers face who they are head on. We dig deep into the recesses of our lives and dig for material readers will identify with. Writers write of feelings, experiences and thoughts. We face our guilt, shame, we deal with our remorse and we write through our fears. Non-writers drag these feelings around with them like a duffel bag. Writers seek an alternative to such dragging every time they sit at the laptop to write.

Writing is a personal inventory of how we have lived in our life outside of writing. In writing writers admit they are human and use their human condition to create epics, sagas and classics. Writers free themselves of the bondage of self. Non-writers hold onto the bondage of self because they are afraid they won't exist without the pain. Writers get beyond the pain by writing our fears and taking responsibility for the actions and in-actions in our lives. Writers free themselves of their secrets, we accept our imperfections, and we love ourselves because others find us so difficult to love. In order to be the writer I truly am I must accept the person in me who makes mistakes and who is imperfectly human.

Writing takes courage. Cowards call themselves writers when they aren't writing of themselves. When as writers we admit to our errors; we begin to make amends to ourselves and to those who try to love us. The risk I take as a writer to face myself and write what I fear, my secrets, I achieve the personal writing success I have always craved, yearned for. As a writer I write the truth. When I was a non-writer I didn't have the courage to write the truth.

Writers are truly alive........

Sidney Lovett wrote, "Every now and again take a good look at something not made with hands--a mountain, a star, the turn of a stream. There will come to you wisdom and patience and solace and, above all, the assurance that you are not alone in the world." There have been times in my life I was so filled with self-doubt that my writing life had no air to breathe. There were many times when I doubted my talent and how I view the world. It is easier to doubt than it is to achieve. Believing in yourself is difficult.

There have always been people in my life to guide me closer to a place of self-discovery and away from a path of self-discovery. Ultimately the choice of my path is mine. Others can guide me only if I let them. If I remain teachable then teachers appear. If I remain closed off and isolated then I attract people who don't want me to learn and self-discover.

When I think my writing life is over and I feel desperate due to the loss of self a teacher always appears. It is only through being as desperate to write, as the dying can be that I finally muster the courage to sit at the empty screen and write. My writing is a reflection of feelings and experiences that flow like music from my mind. There are so many times my fingers can't keep up with the flow of words that stream in thought.

When the courage to write finally comes my attitude about life changes; I know that it would have been easier to give up and not write at all, but I also know that that is a lie. To give up who you are out of fear and misguided direction is not easier. It is suffering. I do not have to suffer today because I can have the courage to write who I am.

My writing encourages me to be honest with myself first and with others second. I have the courage to write what I am afraid to say aloud. The more I write the more I feel and the more I feel the more I am honest and unafraid. Deep down within every non-writer is a writer wanting to be released. A writer that pushes at us from the inside out poking us to find peace, direction, happiness and to become the writer we were meant to be. Writing in a writer’s life is discovering wholeness. Not writing in a writer’s life is to remain fragmented.

As writers we are isolated not only physically from a world that buzzes around us outside of closed doors, but we are isolated in our minds. We view the world in minute details others overlook. We see and feel the slightest changes in breeze, in motion, in sound. We feel like no other human does. We seek the small while the world is focused on the huge.

In the world I feel far away. I have to listen carefully to the world in order to be a part of her. I have to listen for the words of my teacher who can be anywhere at any time in my day. I seek wisdom where others see none. I hear doors open where others hear nothing. I never know where my newest story, idea, sentence or word will come from, but I must always be open to receive the message.

I sit in my empty apartment quiet listening to the traffic roll by; I hear the breathing of my cats, the bubbling of the water in my goldfish tank. I feel the presence of life around me because I sit still long enough to feel life. A writer who writes is right sized. A non-writer who isn’t writing is wrong-sized. Nature is a place for writers to go to understand the gift they have been given. To feel one amongst grains of sand at the ocean, to feel the thunderous power of waves crashing and to witness the stars lighting up a blackened sky is to become right sized. It is only then that I can embrace my gift of writing expressively what I think, feel and experience. It is only when I am right sized that I am truly alive and writing.

Writing is to get yourself back......

James Michener wrote, "If a man happens to find himself . . . he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life." It is in writing that I learn about the me I never know until I write her. Each time I sit down to write the question I answer is "Who am I?" Answering this three word question is why so many non-writers never become writers. It takes courage to sit in front of a blank screen and self-discover. The fear is over-whelming when our writing calls us to dig within ourselves to create suffering characters with a problem to resolve.

The human condition is man's greatest gift as well as man's greatest curse. It only takes the next experience to out-date the knowledge we think we have gained about ourselves. We gain self-knowledge through writing the secrets we commit to ourselves never to tell anyone. Non-writers remain non-writers because they write all that isn't close to them. They write of other people's lives they have not experienced. They write of another's dislikes, feelings and thoughts not their own. When we write what we think another person is thinking, feeling, experiencing we are not writing about who we are or about what we know. Writers who write about others don't become great writers simply because they never do the writing work required to end their own personal suffering.

Each day we sit down to write we honor our commitment to self to rediscover who we are. Every situation, circumstance, human interaction changes who we are. We search in others what has always been in ourselves. We search to end our fear for living. Editing is the helpful tool of writing that establishes trust between the writing self and the suffering self. The writer will never write more than the suffering self can handle. It is impossible because to do so would be to self-destruct.

When we edit as writers we listen to what we have honestly written about the “us” we are discovering. It is only in editing our self that we learn how to lessen our suffering. As a writer I write of experiences, thoughts, feelings in the lives of characters I create that I identify with. It is only through writing what I know, what I feel and what I think that I gain insight into my own suffering self and find a way to relieve my human suffering. 

Much of my writing life has been non-writing because I only knew what I didn't want. I became a writer when I began writing about the suffering inside me I know, feel and experience. It was when I came to accept who I truly am that I began to accept and write what I want to be. To accept myself as I truly am is to become the writer I was truly meant to be.

I must write what others are too afraid to live.....

Confucius said, "You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer, and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or soul of man." The more I write and self-analyze in my writing the more awareness I have of self and the flaws of self. Notice I said flaws and not good qualities of self. It is my writing nature to focus on what is wrong in all I do instead of what is good.

When in my writing I notice a change in my thinking, a change in my perceptions and a change in my level of honesty it is because I have stopped focusing on what I believe doesn't shine in me. I have formulated a new, deeper, more honest awareness of who I am as a writer. I am able to express my feelings more honestly simply because I am able to attach some good to them.

It is dishonest of me to think of only the negative of any experience or to express my feelings about a circumstance as all bad. Even if the only positive I bring away from an experience is that I’ve learned more about myself then there was some good in it, something to be grateful for in that situation. It is only in hindsight though that the positive and the good becomes available to me in my thinking process.

In the moment of an experience that isn't how I want it to be I feel and only see the negative. Barbara Grizzuti Harrison wrote, “. . . to have a crisis, and act upon it, is one thing. To dwell in perpetual crisis is another.” It is as I become able to write of the experience honestly that I am able to see it as not all hurtful, or sad, or negative. It is only in hindsight I see the changes in myself that have occurred and the change is always positive. With each rehashing of an experience in my writing my feelings and my part become clearer. As I am able to see more than the hurtful side of things I am able to write a more well-rounded account of the experience that is honest and not skewed.

To replace the negative thoughts in my writing with an honest perspective of nothing is all bad and no one person all wrong is a freedom of expression I get as a writer that I chase. When I write of an experience I accept it as it is and for what it was meant to teach me. With each character, each story within that character’s life I am reaching into the essence of me. I am resurrecting experiences and feeling that have brought me to the very moment I am sitting in at the laptop.

Today as I reflect on experiences and write of my feelings and the parts I played and others played in those experiences I am going to pay close attention to the truth I am telling of myself and others in the story. The truth must reflect good and bad, positive and negative. I must reflect and write long enough that I combine my all-negative emotions with positive truths in order to create a realistic balance in my story.

To create a story and characters a reader will identify with I must write all sides not just the side I am comfortable with or that has affected me. As a writer what I teach myself in my writing is up to me and no one else. Writing is a growing process for this writer. I must embrace the process of self-discovery that my writing brings to me. I must have patience. I must feel the discomfort during my reflection on circumstances, experiences and feelings that altered my life and my psyche whether I wanted them to or not.

I cannot fix all that is wrong with my story in a single day. Sometimes the best fix is to accept that right now the story or character cannot be fixed at all because I am not ready to face the solution. When I struggle with a character or a story it is because I am unwilling to be honest about my experience and feelings I am writing.  I must step away from the laptop and reach out to my like-minded fellows. I must dig deep into my consciousness to reveal the truth of the matter. What my part was in the experience and what the other people’s part was.

Writing requires me to always do an honest self-appraisal of how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. I must turn what I don’t like into something that is productive in my writing. By turning what I am uncomfortable with into something productive in my writing I create a story and characters my readers identify with. I can give a reader the freedom to feel the despair they are too afraid to feel by writing a character that is able to act out the reader’s own suicidal fantasies. I can write out the calculated murder of a rapist and a rape victim becomes free to live out the same fantasy by identifying with my character.

Matthew Arnold wrote, “Resolve to be thyself and know that he who finds himself loses his misery.” In order for me to write so others identify I must turn my own discomfort into something useful and productive in my writing life. I must take risks, leap blindly and delve into my inner consciousness with complete abandon if I am to create a manuscript readers identify with. I must give my readers the opportunity to live out their fantasies through my characters. I must live, as others are too afraid to live.

To write is to live free.......

H. G. Wells said, "The past is but the beginning of a beginning." With each new day comes a new set of choices. I have struggled so far in the month of April to find balance between my writing for short-term pay and my writing for long-term opportunities. I keep telling myself April only has thirty days my following for this blog will still be there, but fear rears its ugly head and I worry. I couldn't hold off another day from writing this blog entry. And I now feel complete again as I type.

My struggle this month is that I am bogged down in dealing with old restitutions I need to make in order to continue to be free to write when I want, how I want and what I want. In dealing with these old restitutions I have discovered some realizations about myself and the people around me. I must always surround myself with people I aspire to be like. If I don't then I am too easily pulled back into the selfish, self-centered, self-seeking person I strive today not to be. There are only two types of people in the world givers and takers. Each day I have a choice to make about who I want to be. The writer in me is the giver. The non-writer is the taker.

I must never forget my writing journey is forward and either people are with me or not with me. I gain great insight into myself and others when I reflect and write of past circumstances and experiences. It is easy to write in a non-judgmental frame of mind when all that is required for good writing is to accept that people do the best they can with the knowledge of self they have in the moment. When I bring this accepting attitude into my daily writing I am able to change the lives of my characters most times for the better, but nothing is absolute. Characters tend to have a mind of their own when it comes to learning life lessons.

As writers we cannot afford to live as others do. We cannot deny, distort or lose touch with the pain of our past lives. In order to write we must face the truth of our past, critically tear ourselves apart until we recognize our feeling are not unique, our actions have been repeated by others and finally we forgive ourselves for being human in the first place. When I can forgive myself for being human I become able to use what I understand as my authentic self and the best source of writing material I will ever discover.

I need always remember when I revisit the past I must also leave it when I am finished researching how circumstances and experiences made me feel. The past is always over and it is what I do now in the present that effects my writing today. I may be powerless over what has happened in the past, but I am not powerless over how I use it to create a prolific writing future for myself. My writing will rarely be an amends to anyone from my past. I have learned from reading Pat Conroy, Raymond Carver, A. R. Gurney and Peter Taylor that to write of what I know brings out the same anxiety in those around me that I experience. The difference between “the others” in my life and me is I found the courage to face my fears in spite of the judgment of those around me. They are still trapped and through my writing and publishing I grow more and more free. 

I am not responsible for how others feel about my writing. I am only responsible for working through my own feelings through my writing. I cannot change the choices others make of how they choose to live their lives. I can only change the way I live and express the changes through developing characters that live a life readers identify with. There are only two choices a writer ever really has. One choice is to continue on the path I am on filled with fear and not writing. The second choice is to make changes in my attitude of self-worth that will bring me personal growth and a deeper understanding of self. Non writers are too afraid to write their experience and feelings. I am a writer and all I write is a reflection of my experiences and feelings growth.

I spent years as a non-writer denying my feelings in order to protect myself from the judgment of others. I separated my writing self from my life and hid her in a closet. If I couldn't see her, hear her or feel her pain of loneliness then I wouldn't have to deal with my fear of being judged by others. I lived this way until not writing became easy for me. I lived a life of indifference; I became detached from the part of me I loved the most my writing self.

I lived in fear of being judged and that fear brought me to a place where I didn't feel good enough in comparison to others. I became less than the person I knew I was. Fear and anxiety ruled me until a teacher appeared and the lesson of no one is less than anyone else was finally felt inside of me. The shift in attitude came from understanding that "The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them." This line comes from the play The Devil's Disciple written by George Bernard Shaw in 1901.

When I realized to be a part of a fellowship of like-minded people was to stop separating myself from them I became free to write whatever I felt without fear. In order to be a writer and a working part of a fellowship of writers I must find within the courage to walk through my fear. I must write on a daily basis and write whatever is in me to say and then click publish.

I have come to a place in my life where I am safe within myself to feel my feelings and write of them without feeling a responsibility to those involved in my experiences and feelings. I do not have to live a life of shutting out my writing self by locking her away in a closet. With every word I write and every click of publish I grow a deeper love of self, greater self-worth and a deeper sense of freedom from within.

As a writer I have the ability to write of past experiences and feelings with truthful respect and in proper perspective. I can still love those around me and myself and write of what makes us all imperfectly human. I have forgiven myself for my humanness and I am not responsible for the feelings of others who have not forgiven themselves. Graham Greene said, “Isn’t disloyalty as much the writer’s virtue as loyalty is the soldier’s?” Writing of what is real and not distorted will feel like disloyalty to those who fear their feelings will be exposed in my writing.

As a writer I am loyal to my need and desire to reflect, experience and to write what feel, have felt and do feel through my relationships with other people. As a non-writer I am loyal to the needs of others and I express my loyalty by not writing. I do not write of my experiences, circumstances and feelings which are always entwined with the lives and feelings of others. Each day I make a conscious choice to be a writer loyal to myself or a non-writer loyal to others. I am a writer today loyal in my writing only to myself. I am free.

Editing is part of writing the truth.....

I have taken this week off to do some needed research and to try and figure out a writing schedule that would allow me to earn a comfortable living and to continue with the amount of material I have come accustomed to writing for this blog. What I have found is there isn't enough hours in the day (no surprise) so every other day will be a blog and every day will be work! That is moderation to the best of my ability and on the off days I have time for the writing of my novel on my other blog http://uncherishedastory.blogspot.com/ so here we go with the new material and schedule!!

Faith Baldwin said, "Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations." I don't know about you, but editing is not my favorite part of writing. I missed the lesson in editing class where we were taught that editing is to dig deeper and learn more than we do when writing.  As I go through my chapters line by line experiencing the feelings over and over again until I get to the truth of what it is I wanted to say all along I am editing. Editing hasn't always been about the truth for me; editing use to be a way for me to cover up the truth in my writing because I was still in that place of worry and fear of what other people might think.

Albert Einstein wrote, "Imagination is more important than knowledge." When I go back to edit now I am not rewriting to cover up the truth of what I think or how I feel. I am rewriting to make sure the emotion, the sentiment, the experience is raw and filled with feeling. I write because I have an agenda. An agenda to be as honest and truthful as I can about me so others can peek out from behind the curtain and be truthful and honest about whom they are. I write for fellowship, for identification with others. I do not compare for comparison paralyzes.

When I write knowing I am in unison with others not able yet to write with freedom I embrace editing instead of hating it. Writers and non-writers alike walk parallel paths and our writing whether in our minds or on paper is enhanced by the movements of sifting through words to get to the truth. For the non-writer every word of truth written brings you closer to a whole sentence, a paragraph, a chapter and a completed novel. For every writer the truth brings new acceptance and freedom once experienced can never be forgotten and becomes all we seek in future writing sessions. 

The writer’s greatest demon is perfectionism. If we edit for technical perfection we can lose the truth we started out with. Every writer starts with a blank page. If we forget where we start we will never be able to reach the end. It is only because I feel I am no different than Atwood, Fitzgerald, King, White, Austen, Woolf and all the other greats that I am able to assemble the courage required to write the truth of my life as I feel it.

To edit is to willingly acknowledge our writing is not a perfect tour de force in terms of technique. Every writer knows the true tour de force is really the rawness of imperfection in writing our experience and feelings as they pour out on to the blank page. By acknowledging error in technique we are not saying there is any error in our feelings or perceptions of our world, our reality as it forms around us. From editing I derive gratitude today simply because I view editing as an opportunity to clarify what I feel as I reflect on the experience I have written.

Writing is a process. As I edit I learn, I grow, I share myself at a deeper level without fear. I restructure words and sentences so readers may identify with clarity and value the art of writing. I pour out my soul in my writing and in order to sift through the pain of living I must edit and clarify my technique allowing the real truth to be revealed. Writing is letting time have her way with my writing making alterations of my perceptions. Going back to a piece of writing after some time has passed brings clarity. Clarity allows me to make necessary changes in my own self-discovery that reaches far beyond the technical task at hand many writers including myself view editing to be.

Published writers are not always the most gifted, but they are the most courageous. What separates writers and non-writers is determination. The three Bronte sisters we read were more determined and courageous than their brother who we have never read. Branwell Bronte believed to be the most talented writer in the Bronte family never sent his writing to a publisher simply because he lacked the courage and determination of his sisters.

John Berryman believed 20% of writing was talent and the rest was persistence. This week I was asked how do I continue to write as much as I do. First, I write because I like to eat and my persistence to earn a living off the written word has provided me a life of feast or famine and I prefer feast. Second, I write this blog and pulled out the manuscript from the drawer because to live with regret is one thing, but to die with regret is another and to live as if I have died with regret is yet another thing altogether.

It wasn't until I had a teacher appear in my life who was chronically ill that I was able to feel the difference between living with regret, dying with regret and living filled with regret as if I were dying. Three very different feelings I experienced through my teacher, my once upon a time friend.

Fear is a leach attached to our dreams, desires and hopes. Fear sucks up the very breath our life depends on. When I was in the mental and emotional state of being afraid of the truth I was living in a state of regret. It wasn't until my fear identified with my teacher’s fear that I was able to feel by living with regret I was actually living a dying person's life. I had become the very thing I wanted to write about.

I will always be grateful for my experience with my friend, my teacher for it gave me the courage to be the writer I always wanted to be, but was too afraid to become. From finding the courage to face my fears of clicking publish I have developed my own sense of will, determination and persistence. I write as I feel, as I reflect and as I interpret my experience regardless of what the ramifications are for those still afraid to tell the truth about their own lives. I wish them well, but I must leave them behind without looking back. To look back would be to turn into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife in the Book of Genesis. I determinedly write for a future derived from the past.